What Can You Do When You’re Having Trouble Moving On?

Brady* graduated from college with honors. He had always been a good student, had been a leader in his fraternity and in the campus organizations he had joined, and he had plans to go back to school, maybe study law, and then go into politics.

After law school, he was recruited by a prestigious law firm. He loved the job and took on every project, often working nights and weekends. But eventually, his girlfriend broke up with him because he was consumed with work. “She said if this was what our life together would be, she didn’t want it.”

Eventually, Brady started wondering if he wanted that life himself. His friends were taking amazing vacations, but Brady felt he couldn’t take time off. “Hell,” he said, “I don’t take an evening off.”

He was moving up in the firm, living out his dream. Only he wasn’t sure he wanted that dream anymore. The salary he was making, along with a good-sized bonus at the end of the year, had made it possible for him to buy a luxury apartment for himself and to pay for some much-needed repairs to his parents’ home. He sent his parents on a vacation he couldn’t take himself.

“I can’t leave,” he told me. “But this is no life.”

Sandra* was thirty-two. She had been in a relationship with Mike* for four years. Two years earlier, Sandra told Mike that she would like to get married and start a family. Mike said he loved her, but he wasn’t ready to take such a big step yet.

“What do you need to be ready?” Sandra asked him.

“I don’t know. I just don’t feel sure enough yet,” was all he could tell her.

They went to showers, weddings, and baby-namings together. Sandra was happy for their friends but sad that she and Mike seemed stuck. Her friends and parents encouraged her to accept that he wouldn’t marry her and move on. “You’re a special woman,” her best friend told her. “You deserve to be happy. And for whatever reason, Mike can’t give you what you want. So, let go. Move on. You’ll be sad, of course. But you’re sad all the time now.”

Sandra knew she was right. But she thought about how much she cared for Mike. Their lives were woven together. How would they separate? And, more practically, where would she live?

We feel the need to move on for several reasons, but often the underlying cause is one of three basic factors. They are fit, growth, and safety.

When something doesn’t fit, it may be too small or too big for us, or, like with clothes, something just isn’t right. A coat sleeve is too long, the shoulders are too tight, and the waist is too big. In life, a situation that is not right in some way or another may be too small for us. That is, we may feel stifled and not have room to grow or to learn.

While stretching in a new job or task can be an important part of learning and growing, it can be overwhelming if something is way over our heads. Or, it may be too big. We might feel lost and overwhelmed. It can be hard to learn or grow when we feel completely out of depth.

We, humans, are always growing. We like to learn. At the same time, we are drawn to comfort and safety. We grow when we feel secure. A need to move on can mean that we feel stifled or overwhelmed and cannot grow. But it can also mean that we feel unsafe.

Whether we feel stifled, overwhelmed, or unsafe, we cannot learn, grow, or develop in any of these situations. We cannot fully be ourselves. When we are in a dangerous situation, when our safety is threatened, we feel the need to move on.

Most situations are not clear-cut. We may question our motivations. Maybe, we think (or someone tells us) we are being selfish or unfeeling. Maybe this is what life is supposed to be like. Maybe it’s our fault that things are going wrong. Self-blame can be a trap, though. It can keep you in a bad relationship and make you leave one that isn’t all bad.

One other factor that can make it hard to decide whether or not to move on is fear of attachment. Some of us have an underlying fear of being connected, often related to old experiences of being repeatedly disappointed or hurt by someone we love or need.

Fear of disappointment can make it hard to stay, even when staying might be healthy and growth-enhancing. It can make it hard to leave, as when you worry that you’ll never find another situation or lover or friend that’s any better than the one you have already.

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In order to decide when it’s time to move on, it’s important to assess your current situation honestly. Does it fit you? Is there room in the situation for you to grow? Are you avoiding committing because you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed? And are you in danger, either physically or emotionally?

When Brady asked himself these questions, he realized that

he was not growing in his job. “I’m making lots of money, but I’m losing my sense of myself,” he said. Having thought this through, he began looking for a less intense, more interesting job that would allow him to also have other parts of his life back. “I’m going to make less money,” he said, “but I think I’ll be happier.”

On the other hand, Sandra realized that the answer to the problem was that she was in the relationship she wanted to be in, but that Mike was afraid of commitment. After trying to get him to work on his attachment issues, maybe with her and maybe in therapy, she finally said, “It’s right for me, but not if he can’t commit to me. I’m afraid that we’ll always have these problems.”

With tremendous sadness and pain, she left the relationship. But understanding that the problem was that Mike couldn't make the commitment she wanted, and not something wrong with her, freed her to make a move. And before too long, to begin a relationship with a man who was, in fact, a much better fit because he was in the same place that she was in terms of moving forward.

These are hard questions to answer. But the more honest you can be, with yourself and others, the more likely you are to know whether you want to stay or move on. And the more likely you are to be able to find a healthy, productive, and meaningful way to do what feels right.

*names and identifying info changed to protect privacy

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