Is Solo Parenting Right for You?

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When did you first begin to think about becoming a parent? Maybe it's something you've always wanted; maybe it's a dream that emerged more recently.

Either way, if you are sure you want a child but have been waiting for a partner to start making that dream come true, you might not want to wait too long. The odds of fertility problems unfortunately increase with age; however, modern reproductive endocrinology gives you many options for becoming a single parent.

If becoming a solo parent is the last thing you thought you’d ever do, you're not alone. Many solo parents felt that way in the past but changed their minds due to:

• A life event that told them it was time to pick up the phone and make a doctor’s appointment. This could be a milestone birthday, a breakup, a parent getting ill, or a job change.
• Seeing a friend or family member getting pregnant or parenting.
• Someone else’s divorce reminded them that we can start with a partner and still end up solo parenting. Some of my patients report hearing from their divorced friends that the best part of their divorce has been the increased control they have over many parenting decisions (schools, religion, activities, residence), and the closeness they develop with their children.

Even when children are told about being conceived via an egg donation or sperm donor insemination, they typically have a well-bonded, close positive relationship with their parent and normal psychological adjustment. In other words, having two parents does not seem to be essential for children to do well emotionally, and the quality of their family life seems more important for children than the composition or structure of their family life.¹

The Challenges of Solo Parenting

Solo parenting is not, of course, all rainbows and bubble baths. Some common challenges you may face include:

1. Finances: Unlike "single by divorce" parents, single parents by choice are often going it alone financially; many say this is the toughest part. They are not only responsible for the initial medical costs (IVF, sperm/egg donation, adoption, or surrogacy), but they are also responsible for babysitters, food, household needs, clothing, toys, and educational enhancement, for starters. Even birthday parties and holidays add to the bill. Sometimes a person’s parents will help, but other times they can’t or say no. Be clear on their feelings and your own regarding financial help.

1. Time management: Most of us run on a daily time deficit as is. It gets worse if you’re working and doing fertility treatments—and even worse still when you’re parenting. Self-care? Gym time? A full night’s sleep? Not always realistic.
2. Working: Consider your job, your workspace, your hours, your boss, and your benefits. Although working remotely can make single parenting easier logistically, children’s need for attention may make your job more difficult. Furthermore, working remotely can also increase your feeling of isolation when you have a child.²

What Aspiring Solo Parents Can Do to Cope

1. Create a support group. There’s no need to go it alone. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are currently more than 10 million single-parent homes, 80 percent headed by a mother; more than half of those mothers are solo and not divorced.³

So, if you think you may be choosing to start your family on your own, think about creating a strong support team. Identify those in your life who can join your journey, who can answer your questions, go with you to doctor’s visits, sympathize or empathize, or reassure you or make you smile.

If you are not comfortable asking those you know to help, find an existing support group. There are many online support groups, including many that can be found in the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. It not only takes a village to raise a child; it also takes a village to support a single parent.

2. Share. For many, the hardest part of being a single parent by choice is feeling alone for the “firsts”—first word, first tooth, first step, first day at school. So, turn those firsts into opportunities to share.

Send out news and photos to friends and family by text, email, or social media. Or make a scrapbook, virtual or tangible. You'll be inviting others to share special moments in your life. They will usually feel complimented and enjoy responding—and you will no longer experience life changes alone.

3. Give yourself a break! The most common single-parent complaint is exhaustion. Plan for it. Ask your sibling, mother, father, or friend to watch your child sometimes—even when you have no appointments or chores and just need some time alone. If you can’t afford a babysitter, make an I.O.U. deal with another parent to give each other an hour's break each week. That time away from a child of any age can help you catch your breath, lower your adrenaline, and feel patient again.

Parenting Essential Reads

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Additional Factors to Consider

Having looked at the pros and cons of parenting solo, now look at your relationship with yourself. Do you tend to be self-blaming or self-supporting? Are you more likely to say to yourself in years to come, “Waiting was right for me. I only wanted a two-parent family for myself and my child”—or are you more likely to say, “I should have..., I would have…., I could have…”?

Egg freezing may give you more time and help you feel more in control of the decision, but deciding at some point, one way or the other, will help you feel like you have been true to yourself.