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At some point in our lives, each one of us has had a sense of "clarity" or "insight" that seemingly appeared from nowhere...or at least out of left field. Recently, I had this clarity and insight while moving my family to Texas for my job. There's nothing like driving 1600 miles in a 26 foot rental truck to focus the mind and ponder human nature.
It has become evident to me, that as a society, our sense of empathy and kindness toward others has diminished. Our connection with individuals has lessened and our desire to help the person next to us is not what it used to be.
My views are not based on any research I've done in the laboratory, but a product of the three days I spent on the road interacting with my fellow citizens - a type of field research, if you will. Having the lady behind the Subway counter look at you with contempt after you ask that your turkey on wheat be toasted or watching countless people break the breakfast line at the Best Western while you are patiently waiting and obeying "social norms" provides its own useful data. Perhaps most illuminating were the two instances when another driver gave me the universal "hand sign" that they were unhappy with me. Apparently not driving fast enough in the passing lane really upsets some people.
As any good psychologist would, I asked the question "Why?" What has happened to us as a society? Immediately, I thought I had the answer. "I'm a civilian now!" I had been so used to the military culture with its many courtesies and formal displays of respect and deference that my psyche was still trying to adjust to the rudeness of civilians. However, within seconds of conjuring up this answer, my mind generated an impressive laundry list of rude, disrespectful, and at times, outright hostile social interactions I had with DoD civilians, peers and senior officers while I was on Active Duty. No, this wasn't the answer.
Although I continued to think about this issue during my trip, I never came up with a definitive answer to my question. In part, it probably has something to do with us being consumed with our own problems. It's tough to be concerned, empathic, and nice to others when we are trying to overcome our own obstacles. It may be a product of the countless hours we spend in front of our televisions and computer screens. The less time we spend interacting with others, the more time we spend living unchecked in our own psychological world and forgetting how to read the emotions and behaviors of others.
Regardless of what's fueling this shift in our society, I do believe that there is a simple solution. We have to make the effort to be nicer to each other. The next time you feel like yelling at the slow driver on the road, imagine that the person in the car is your mother or your wife. Before you obliterate that thin line between discipline and harassment with one of your troops, ask yourself how you would feel if your son or daughter was on the receiving end of what you were dishing out.
It's time ALL of us put ourselves in someone else's boots and make a difference in the lives of others. And yes, I need to take my own advice as I am ashamed to say that I responded in kind to the two other motorists who were upset with my driving.
I'd love to hear what you think.
*An edited version of this article was published in my column "Kevlar for the Mind" by Military Times.
