Have You Felt Like a Failure During the Pandemic?

At the beginning of the pandemic, my patients would confide in me about how difficult it was for them: “Trying to parent, school my kids from home, and sustain a relationship is too much, it’s totally unsustainable. And it is breaking me.”

But that was nearly a year ago. What I’m hearing now is more dramatic and reveals, collectively, how worn-out we are. “I feel that I’ve failed. I haven’t been a good parent, I haven’t been a good teacher. I feel that I’ve let my partner down. I feel that I’ve let my family down.”

So how do we respond? Generally, we blame ourselves, criticize our family, push harder and try to exert more control. We feel exhausted and worried. And often we drink more, eat more, and turn to substances to help. A few months ago we joked about the “quarantine 15” which was how many pounds we gained. Now physicians are talking about the “quarantine 30.”

The research on the impact of COVID-19 is troubling. Over one-third of people are showing signs of clinical depression and anxiety. Much of this is due to trauma from COVID, grief, fear, the impact of physical distancing, financial concerns, loss of community, and for those with children or aging or ill family members, a decrease in access to caregiving.

However, we have decades of research that show that the practices of mindfulness and compassion can lower our stress, decrease depression and anxiety, increase our satisfaction in relationships, slow down aging, develop resilience, and make us kinder, less biased, and more generous.

At this point, we are all exhausted, experiencing COVID fatigue and worse. It is hard for everyone, but especially hard when friends and loved ones are far away, and the village that it’s supposed to take to support us seems full of idiots and a pandemic makes it virtually impossible to get outside support. Most of us are living without a safety net to catch us when things inevitably go south. It is so easy to become overwhelmed and depleted.

So many of us during the pandemic are blaming ourselves or feeling like failures. Failing to be the “perfect” worker who doesn’t let her children distract her from her work obligation or deadlines or failing to be the “perfect” partner who never gets angry or stressed and can manage the needs of work, children, a partner, and a home with a smile. Pretty impossible, yes?

I’d like a share a mindfulness practice that my patients and students have found useful. You can do it when you are at the end of your rope or feel that you’ve failed. It helps at work, with family, and is useful for healthcare providers.

The Power of Seven Billion

• When things get difficult, give yourself permission to pause.
• Don’t deny all that you are dealing with. Acknowledge it. “This is hard, really hard.”
• Life is full of really tough moments. And sometimes the moments become weeks and then months, and now, nearly a year.
• Right now, it is hard for nearly Seven Billion People.
• Stop. Let that in. Just like me, millions, if not billions are suffering as well.
• Imagine that people all over the globe are your companions in facing illness, despair, anxiety, financial pressure, food and housing insecurity, isolation, trauma. And, it isn’t personal.
• Add anything else that you are dealing with.
• Now imagine that you are standing side by side with these human companions.
• Add some words of kindness. “Let me be kind to myself.”
• Now, let’s make this more powerful. Imagine that someone who really loves you, and it might be that best friend, comes over, puts a hand around you (we don’t need to social distance in the imagination), and says exactly what you need to hear.
• Spend a moment to listen. It might be, “You are doing a good job. You are a good person. This is just an impossible situation. I love you, just hang in there,” or anything that wells up inside you.
• And extend this to others, “Let me send kindness and compassion to the other beings who are suffering as well.”
• Put a hand on your heart if that feels right. And if you like, imagine that kindness touching the other suffering beings, like rays of sunshine offering a respite.
• Take this in. Spend a moment allowing ourselves to appreciate those who have supported us. Let it soak in.

We are not taught to be kind to ourselves. We are taught to grit our teeth and to power through the hard times, ignoring our bodies, ignoring our feelings, often ignoring our behaviors and the needs of those we love.

If we just care for others and don’t include ourselves, we’ll burn out, lose our tempers, act out, and put more stress on all our relationships. Try this, even if it is only for a few minutes. It may help you feel that you have many companions on this journey and help you feel less alone.