Which Wolf Are You Feeding: the Evil or the Good One?

The Good Wolf

Source: David J Bredehoft

The parable of the “Two Wolves” is a well-known Native American legend (see the Cherokee version). It has been quoted and made popular in movies (like Tomorrowland), television shows (like the 11th episode of Star Trek: Discovery—“The One I Feed”), and novels (e.g., William Kent Krueger's Windigo Island).

The legend is about a battle that goes on inside all of us. The battle between two wolves—one evil and one good.

"One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace love, hope serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

Which wolf wins? ... The one you feed."

—The Tale of Two Wolves

The Bad Wolf

Source: David J. Bredehoft

This legend speaks to us on many levels: parents, children, and childhood overindulgence.

Messages that we send to our children create what Eric Berne calls “Parent Tapes.”

What exactly is a "Parent Tape"? Amber Pound describes it well.

A parent tape is essentially a thought, feeling, or belief that plays in the background of our mind that we picked up from our parents. These tapes are often learned from watching our parents' behaviors, but they can also be deliberately taught to us as well. This type of predisposition is one which we tend to carry well into adulthood. We are often unaware that the thoughts we have about ourselves today stem from external influences that happened during our toddler and adolescent years. This is because as we get older we usually believe that they are just simply a part of who we are.

What messages are we sending to our children? Are they positive messages or negative ones? What messages do our children listen to? Which ones do our children act on? What messages do we send when we overindulge our children?

Children who are overindulged grow up¹:

• Thinking of themselves as failures
• Believing others think less of them if they make mistakes
• Not being happy unless all people admire them
• Rarely achieving important goals
• Feeling insecure about their abilities
• Believing that they are not capable of dealing with most problems that come up in their life

Children who are not overindulged grow up¹:

• Interested in meaningful relationships, a meaningful life, or making society better
• To be adults who have self-control and are not materialistic
• To be appreciative, grateful, and happier than those who were overindulged
• To become adults who do not feel entitled
• Interested in spiritual growth, finding meaning in times of hardship, and are more apt to develop a personal relationship with a power greater than themselves

One wolf is darkness and despair. The other is light and hope. Which wolf wins? The one you feed.

Suggestions for feeding the good wolf:

1. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this for my child, or am I really doing it for me?”
2. Ask yourself, “Am I doing something for my children that they really are old enough to be doing for themselves?
3. Let your children make decisions that are appropriate for their age.
4. Hold your children accountable for their behaviors.
5. Practice saying, “You have had enough for now.”
6. Gradually give your teens freedom appropriate for their ages.
7. Encourage your teens to solve their own problems.
8. Teach your children to do chores and expect them to complete them.
9. Agree on a set of rules and enforce them.
10. Decide which of your rules are negotiable and which are nonnegotiable.

Which wolf wins? The one you feed.

Practice Aloha. Do all things with love, grace, and gratitude.

© 2022 David J. Bredehoft