How a Child's Separation Into Adolescence Alters Family Life

Source: Carl Pickhardt

While the adolescent coming-of-age passage doesn’t lessen the loving ties that bond the young person to parents, I believe it does loosen the compliant ties that bind the growing teenager to parental authority.

Becoming Unbound

Now the increasingly independent-minded young person becomes less bound by parental goals (what is wanted), standards (what is expected), and limits (what is allowed), and becomes increasingly committed to setting her or his own operating terms.

By the end of adolescence, around ages 18 to 23, this handoff of life-management responsibility is usually accomplished—the young person’s fitting individuality and functional independence finally claimed.

Until then, parents must dare to risk releasing more responsibility as the teenager dares to take more on. “We used to drive you; now you can drive yourself.” Growth changes change everyone.

Separation Anxiety

Sometimes the separation from childhood into adolescence can be delayed beyond the usual onset between ages 9 and 13 because giving up the old childhood attachment to parents can feel scary to do. Childhood feels so comfortable, relatively free of conflict with parents, and there's so much in common to still enjoy. Why let all that go? Giving up old security and closeness can feel costly to do. Thus, the child clings to childhood a while longer before daring the distance, disagreement, and diversity in relationship to parents that starting the coming-of-age passage will bring.

In general, I don't think parents should push separation. The young person will know when she or he feels ready to relinquish old closeness to childhood and parents for the growing uncertainty and insecurity that adolescence brings. A common example of this delay can be with an only child. Because the attachment to parents can feel so strong, it can feel hard to let go and give traditional reliance up. Best for parents to be patient. The growing child will know when the time for more separation feels right.

Separation, whenever it starts, is redefining for everyone.

3 Changes

Now, the impact of adolescence turns out not to be one change, but three:

• First, adolescence changes the child who exhibits increased intolerance of parental demand and restraint, and more push to be self-directing: “Stop controlling my life; let me decide!”
• Second, the parent changes in response by experiencing increased concern and worries about the youthful risks that come with growing freedoms: “When to hold on and when to let go?”
• Third, the relationship between them changes as separation creates more strain and distance between them as their lives increasingly diverge: “The older you grow, the less time we spend together!”

Adolescence = Growing Separation

Growing adolescent separation is a powerful family dynamic as it redefines the old relationship to parents in several ways:

• Adolescent separation creates physical distance (less contact) and psychological distance (more privacy) as the young person asserts more autonomy in the family. Sometimes the parental relationship can become more socially peripheral. Now parents need to take contact initiative and offer opportunities for continuing good times together: “Instead of at home tonight, suppose we go out to eat?” Just because they are growing apart doesn’t mean that they cannot still have good contact together.
• Adolescent separation creates disagreement (more discord) as the more independent-minded young person becomes more actively (with argument) and passively (with delay) resistant. Sometimes the relationship with parents can become contested. Now parents need to turn disagreements into discussion: “Can you tell us your concerns so we can better know what is at issue for you?” Just because there is more opposition doesn’t mean that they should talk less; in fact, they should talk more.
• Adolescent separation creates more diversity (expressing increased individuality) as the young person experiments with new ways of believing and behaving; what matters can feel estranging. Sometimes the social and cultural interests can be hard for parents to tolerate. Now parents need to bridge growing differences with interest: “Can you help me better understand the music you love listening to?” Just because they have less in common doesn’t mean that they can’t have more conversation.

Increased distance, disagreement, and diversity caused by normal adolescent separation need not be estranging when parents stay continually engaged with, and positively communicative about, growing changes going on.