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Key points
- While opposition from a teen can be frustrating for parents, it is also a healthy part of growing up.
- Adolescent opposition can manifest in at least four different ways.
- Understanding the various types of opposition can help parents choose better ways to respond.
Authority is the power to dictate terms, to demand order, to monitor compliance, and to enforce obedience. Like it or not, no matter what age, everyone has some authority in their life to answer to.
While to the dependent child, parental rule in the family may be respected and depended on, to the more independent-minded adolescent, this adult authority must ultimately be challenged and supplanted: “At last, I get to run my own life!”
Along with assuming more personal responsibility, growing opposition to parental authority is part of how this coming-of-age transformation is accomplished.
At one extreme, there are adolescents who are early adopters of responsibility and leave parents with little oversight and direction to provide. At the other extreme, there are continually oppositional adolescents with whom parents have constant friction over what to do and what not to do much of the time.
I believe between these two extremes are where most parents and adolescents find themselves, and dealing with the adolescent opposition side is what parents find most challenging to do, hence this blog.
Four expressions of opposition
For independence's sake, growing up can require more adolescent opposition to parental authority in four common ways.
- There is more active opposition in the form of argument.
- There is more corrective opposition in the form of discipline.
- There is more passive opposition in the form of delay.
- There is more contrasting opposition in the form of diversity.
Each kind of opposition to authority represents a youthful gathering of personal power. Argument speaks up in disagreement; infractions encounter correction; delay puts off compliance; contrast expresses increasing individuality. Take these one at a time.
Argument as opposition
Adolescent argument engages the parent in discussing some differences in wants or beliefs between them. I believe this is an opportunity for communication that parents should welcome since having a speaking-up child who verbally expresses disagreement is more informative than having a shutting-up child who silently tells them nothing.
In response to taking stands their teenager does not like, parents might declare their responsibility: “Sometimes we will make parenting decisions that are unpopular with you, and so you will naturally disagree and want to argue your case. What we want you to know on these occasions is this. We will be firm where we feel we have to, flexible where we can, explain our decision, and will always give a full hearing to whatever your objections are, so long as they are expressed in a respectful way.”
Correction as opposition
Parents are gatekeepers, patrolling the family structure of demands and limits within which the young person can safely and responsibly grow. When infractions occur, and some consequence is called for, the opposition is created between them.
At this point, it serves parents best to keep the correctional encounter objective and non-evaluative. Why? Because personal criticism not only can inflict damage (“That was a stupid thing to do!”), but it can also arouse adolescent defensiveness that can make correction easier to discount (“All you ever do is complain about me!”). So, when correcting, take issue with decisions only; don’t attack character. “I disagree with the choice you have made; this is why, and this is what I need to have happen now.”
Delay as opposition
Come adolescence, it can take longer for parents to get desired cooperation. If an argument is an active opposition, a delay is a passive opposition. “My teenager keeps trying to wear me out with waiting until I give up getting what I asked for.” To show you mean what you say, pursue your request with repeated reminders (sometimes called "nagging," which is honorable work) until it is finally accomplished.
“You need to know that when I ask you to do something, and you agree, I will hold you to that commitment. I will follow through by keeping after you until my request has been met. I will even delay satisfaction of your next request of me until what I earlier asked you for has been given. I expect to live in a two-way relationship with you. This means that while I’m happy to do for you, I expect that you will also do for me.”
Contrast as opposition
Contrasting himself to the old child he was and how parents used to be in order to express new individuality, some adolescent opposition can be hard for parents to understand and accept. “She doesn’t like to do old fun stuff together anymore, just what is new and different that I don’t particularly like or understand.”
Rather than be put off and estranged by adolescent activities and expressions that don’t call to you, bridge these emerging differences with interest. Cast your teenager in the role of knowledgeable teacher and yourself in the role of ignorant student and ask: “Could you help me appreciate what you now like listening to, playing, and looking like? I would really like to better understand.” Now parents let their adolescents teach them what they need to know.
In conclusion
Aggravating or frustrating or fatiguing as it may feel to parents at the time, adolescent opposition of the four kinds described do express the young person’s growing self-determination. So, treat them with respect.
- Treat opposition through an argument as a chance to teach the management of disagreement.
- Treat opposition through correction as a chance to address specific decisions that are not acceptable.
- Treat opposition through delay as a chance to follow through to show you mean what you say.
- Treat opposition through contrast as a chance to understand trial expressions of growing individuality.
Practicing these steps can help parents learn to dance with adolescent opposition as the young person struggles to assume more personal authority, which healthy growth is impelling them to do.
