Effects of Psychological Aggression in Couple Conflict

When members of a couple are upset with each other’s behavior, it can be quite tempting to express their negative feelings to the other person through forms of verbal and nonverbal aggression to convey dissatisfaction and induce the other person to change. Studies have indicated that partner aggression is common across diverse countries and cultures (Kar & Garcia-Moreno, 2009; Krahé & Abbey, 2013). It also occurs across sexual orientations (Rollè, Giardina, Caldarera, Gerino, & Brustia, 2018).

Although some individuals consider it justifiable to engage in milder physical partner aggression (e.g., pushing, slapping) or even more severe acts that cause bodily harm (battering), many people consider physical aggression unacceptable and avoid it. Given the evidence that physical partner aggression commonly harms victims’ physical health (e.g., chronic pain, insomnia, gastrointestinal problems) and mental health (e.g., depression, anxiety, trauma symptoms) (Ahmadabadi et al., 2020; Coker et al., 2002; Sugg, 2015), avoiding it is essential.

Traditional treatments for perpetrators of physical aggression have involved anger management groups (Epstein & Falconier, 2024). For couples who engage in milder physical aggression that has been called “common couple violence” (Johnson, 1995), conjoint couple therapies have been developed and found to be safe and effective (Epstein & Falconier, 2024; Stith, McCollum, & Rosen, 2011). Therapists must be very cautious when screening couples who experience physical aggression for possible conjoint therapy and must maintain firm behavioral ground rules to which partners must adhere (Epstein & Falconier, 2024).

My colleagues and I have found it challenging when working with couples who engage in psychologically aggressive behavior (no contact with the other person’s body) that they consider justifiable and normal ways of fighting. O’Leary and Maiuro (2001) noted four types of psychological aggression: Denigration (e.g., describing a partner in derogatory terms, shaming), passive-aggressive withholding (e.g., avoiding the partner, sulking), threats/intimidation (e.g., destroying a partner’s possessions, reckless driving, threats to take away the children), and restriction of the other’s personal freedom (e.g., isolating the partner from friends and family, access to money).

It can be very tempting to express frustration and anger toward one’s partner in these ways, for a number of reasons. First, these behaviors are so common in the general population that many individuals are surprised when therapists refer to them as problematic. In reality, they are problematic, as studies have shown their negative effects on victims’ physical and mental health can be similar to those from physical aggression (Epstein & Falconier, 2024).

Second, from childhood, an individual may have learned to use psychological aggression by observing its use by members of their family of origin. They also may have had personal experiences where behaving aggressively was successful in influencing others. Based on such experiences, some individuals hold a belief that if you perceive that someone has treated you unfairly, you have a right to retaliate, especially to “teach them a lesson” (Epstein & Falconier, 2024). Thus, psychological aggression may be seen as a way of protecting yourself.

Third, traditional values in some cultures consider it acceptable for an individual to dominate a partner, including through psychologically aggressive means. Fourth, many individuals who lack effective communication and negotiation skills rely on aggression to influence a partner who outdebates them (Epstein & Falconier, 2024).

Given those factors that make psychological aggression tempting, it is important to be aware of the major costs that it can inflict. In addition to physical and mental health problems that commonly result from receiving psychological aggression, damage to the couple relationship can be severe and difficult to repair. Trust and a sense of safety can be destroyed, as can any warmth and affection between partners. Furthermore, studies have shown that psychological aggression often leads to physical aggression.

Finally, the hostility and tension in the home environment can have negative effects on children’s emotional well-being. Thus, whenever I learn that one or both members of a couple are engaging in psychological aggression, I focus on factors that may be tempting them to do it and intervene quickly to counteract the pattern, moving them toward constructive ways of solving problems in their relationship and protecting the well-being of themselves and their loved ones.