What Happens When You Leave a Narcissist

When asked why people choose to stay in abusive relationships, individuals at the mercy of a narcissist would likely say, “It would be harder to leave.” That almost-universal truth for victims of narcissists—that walking away from them often comes with a lifetime of “punishment”—can be terrifying.

Understand what you will face when you leave

If victims realize what’s in store for them once they walk away from a manipulator, it can help them prepare. It can help them gather the strength needed for a long, drawn-out battle—because that is typically the only true ending when someone leaves a narcissist, particularly in intimate relationships. Narcissists thrive on the “object” of their manipulation, a person they view as a means to an end, and when that “object” is no longer available to use, manipulate, and abuse, their behavior can become genuinely appalling.

Unfortunately, walking away from a narcissist is usually the best route to freedom. Staying in a relationship characterized by manipulation and abuse is never the right answer, although some people are stuck in those relationships due to means outside of their control. When a victim has the chance to leave, they need to run—but will probably still be looking over their shoulder for a long time.

Narcissists will not let you leave peacefully. They will likely pull out all the stops initially, from wooing to making empty promises to threatening, all in an attempt to cajole you into changing your mind. Victims have to stay strong during this stage because it’s their first step to freedom, of sorts. But if you think you’ll be able to leave and never hear from your abuser, think again.

Narcissists will try to contact you. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 10 minutes or 10 years, a narcissist will try to stay in touch with their victim. They will contact you directly. They will show up at your place of work, at your home, at your friends’ homes. They will ask everyone who knows you how you’re doing or where you’re at.

Just blocking a telephone number won’t work; you will have to expect their efforts to connect with you and head them off at the pass every single time. Exhausting? Yes. But necessary for survival.

Narcissists will tell everyone they are your victim. A narcissist has little to no remorse for their behaviors. If you choose to leave them, they will immediately transform into a victim and sing that ballad to anyone who will listen—preferably your mutual acquaintances.

They will also continually remind you that they are not responsible for any mistreatment they’ve launched your way, but you are responsible for their abuse of you. If you wonder what you’ve done to warrant that, look no further than exerting your own free will: You chose to walk away from a bad situation, and you didn’t have their permission to do so.

Narcissists will punish you forever. You will not be forgiven if you leave a narcissist. They will always believe you committed the unforgivable sin—standing up for yourself against their wishes.

Keep in mind that most narcissists believe they know best for every situation and for every person. When a victim takes a stand to decide their own future, narcissists will feel it’s their right to mete out punishment as they see fit. They will demean you, harass you, and threaten you, but they will never admit the true reason behind those behaviors; instead, they will chalk it up to you mistreating them in some way.

Narcissists will not stop thinking or talking about you. To a narcissist, a victim who leaves them—and stays away—can become a fixation. They tend to stew in their feelings of disbelief: How could you do this to them, why would you think you’d ever find a better situation, and how long will it take you to realize you need them?

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Those feelings can become obsessive for narcissists, fueling an inner rage that just won’t let go. You will be a topic of conversation for them for years—whether you know it or not.

Narcissists will never say they are sorry. Don’t expect a resolution from a narcissist. You will not have the opportunity to sit down and talk about your problems together, collaborating to solve them. In a narcissist’s eyes, you are the problem any time you disagree with them or treat them differently than they expect—and believe they have a right—to be treated.

A classic tactic of a narcissist who has hurt someone is to place all the blame on their victim for that hurt; if they would have acted differently, if they would have done what their narcissist wanted, they would never have gotten hurt in the first place. No behavior or choice on your part excuses abuse from a narcissist—but don’t expect them to ever admit that.

A narcissist’s worldview is not the same as yours

If you are trying to understand a narcissist from your own worldview, it will not work. You simply can’t make sense of their manipulation of others to get what they want, with no thought to the aftereffects of that manipulation, from a worldview that values reciprocity and caring in relationships. To a narcissist, you are a means to an end. You have no value beyond what you can provide to them, and it must be on their terms, without exception.

Victims who leave narcissists have to be prepared for the war raging just beyond that decision. It’s better than the battles being fought inside the relationship because this war is for your freedom. But it will still be brutal, exhausting, and wear you down over time.

If you know what to expect, you can wage that war—and surround yourself with the people and resources who will help you survive it. The other side is reachable, and you will get there, but be prepared for the fight of your life. You can leave a narcissist, but they will never leave you.