3 Signs Someone Is Using Guilt to Manipulate You

Guilt is a natural, commonly occurring human emotion—one that usually sparks intense self-reflection and, at times, can be the catalyst for behavioral change. Guilt can be an important emotion to pay attention to and allows humans to contemplate the impact of their actions on others. However, there are instances when guilt can become toxic, a chronic emotion that becomes out of proportion to the situation at hand.

Research on the Aftereffects of Chronic Guilt

Recent research has explored how effective guilt really is in changing behaviors, and though evidence suggests the emotion does have positive prosocial results, it also indicates the potential for negative effects as well. Chronic or toxic guilt can lead to anxiety, depression, and even a compromised immune system. Those aftereffects are the opposite of what guilt should produce. In its truest form, guilt should promote personal responsibility—and empathy—rather than an unstable mental state.

When it comes to emotions, manipulators are skilled at recognizing and using them to their advantage—a necessary skill to make others bend to your will. Positive or negative emotions can become deadly in the hands of a chronic manipulator, and guilt is often one of their most widely exploited feelings.

Manipulators and Guilt

Guilt is a tool that can be used to elicit compliance in others, and while that may have its place, manipulators are experts at twisting this aspect of guilt to their advantage. Manipulators who use guilt to get what they want from others are engaging in emotional blackmail, a tactic that can disrupt relationships and result in significant damage to self-esteem. Protect yourself against those tactics by recognizing some common signs that a manipulator may be using guilt to manipulate you:

1. Their “poor me” mentality takes center stage. Manipulators rarely take responsibility for the true motivations behind their actions, and much of their time is spent convincing others they have been victimized in some way. When it comes to using guilt as a tool, these individuals excel at persuading others they have been hurt—and that compliance on the part of whoever hurt them is the best compensation. That can look like punishing the people they believe injured them in some way, believing they have the right to exert their will onto those people, or even coercing those people into behaviors they would normally refuse, all out of a sense of guilt.

When it comes to manipulators, they quickly grasp your feelings of guilt and turn them against you, subtly suggesting that those very emotions are the reason you should allow yourself to be treated however they want. If they convince you that they are the true victim and prey on your empathy in the process, their next step is using that win to ensure you submit to their wishes.

2. They try to appear perfect while highlighting your deficiencies. Individuals who remind you of all they’ve done for you—a laundry list of their superiority—could be using that as manipulation, a reminder that you should feel guilty for not measuring up. Remarks like “I’m the one who cares the most” or “I’ve always done that for you” are leading statements meant to provoke negative feelings of guilt in others—and get them to give in.

Manipulators have a long memory when it comes to their successes and a short one when it comes to yours. If someone consistently focuses on everything you’ve done wrong while spotlighting only what they have done right, it should be a warning signal that guilt is being used against you.

3. They hint that you “owe” them. Manipulators keep a checklist of the favors they believe others owe them and never engage in positive behaviors without ulterior motives. If a chronic manipulator has offered to help you in some way, you can be certain they will call that in as a favor down the road. In fact, many times, they help without being asked—or even after being asked not to help—just to gain a sense of one-upmanship in the relationship.

Manipulators care deeply about how they appear to others, and guilting those around them into believing the balance in their relationship is unequal is a common coercive tool. When you hear subtle reminders that someone expects payback because they helped you in some way, it’s time to reevaluate that relationship. Guilt should not be the impetus to do something nice or go out of your way for someone else—that will just leave you and the relationship feeling empty.

Guilt Essential Reads

I'll Never Tell: Rethinking the Psychology of Secrecy

Parental Engagement When an Adult Child Has a Mental Illness

Spot the Manipulation Before It's Too Late

Manipulators are skilled at using emotions against you because they have to be; emotions are the driving force behind our behaviors and the best place to start when trying to convince someone to acquiesce. Recognizing that emotions are the basis is a starting point, and understanding the role guilt plays in that process is crucial. Guilt being used to manipulate can be challenging to spot simply due to the qualities that make guilt such a unique emotion.

Guilt is powerful because of its intensity—and the difficulty that comes with trying to resolve it. Both of those characteristics make guilt the perfect breeding ground for a chronic manipulator to turn your emotions against you. If you allow guilt to become toxic and a tool in others’ hands to control you, it can cause serious long-term impacts on your physical health, mental well-being, and future relationships.