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Key points
- There are specific and actionable ways to respond to condolences (including not responding).
- Those who are grieving are also allowed to respond minimally when they're ready.
- If and when the griever chooses to respond, these tips from grief experts can make it easier.
Responding to condolences can be challenging when you’re already grieving the loss of a loved one. But there are specific and actionable ways to respond when the “thoughts and prayers” aren’t kicking in yet. It might help knowing there is no right or wrong way to reply to condolences.
Respond (or Don’t) in Your Own Time
New York clinical psychologist Cynthia Shaw shares that a big misconception for those of us who are grieving is that we must make other people feel comfortable around our grief. “Our responsibility is not to support others when we’re grieving,” Shaw says. This includes not having to respond to condolences: “When people express their condolences, we do not have to reply to their overtures at all—especially if we don’t want to." Sometimes, we just can’t summon the vigor to react. And that’s OK.
Condolences can take many forms, including flowers and gifts of remembrance, calls, texts, and social media posts. Impersonal messages, such as those posted online, are often shared because people find the topics of death, loss, and grief difficult and do not know how best to express their condolences. “In these instances, clicking ‘like,’ replying with a heart emoji, or typing a small phrase is enough; you’re allowed to respond minimally,” advises Shaw.
"I recognize your frightened online condolence, and I raise you one heart emoji."
If and when you respond to condolences, Shaw recommends that you take as much time as you need. “There is no pressure to respond to condolences when you first receive them. Time allows us to sit with our emotions, practice self-care, and respond at a point in time that feels better for us,” she says. Try writing a few responses after two or three months. If it’s still difficult, you can ask a friend to help you. People understand that everyone grieves differently.
Accept and Acknowledge the Gesture
If someone has taken time to write a letter or send flowers, do try to receive and recognize the expression in some way. “You might begin by expressing your gratitude for the thoughtful gesture,” says Vancouver-based clinical counselor Pareen Sehat. You can personalize your response by mentioning a specific detail, such as your appreciation that they attended the memorial service or that they somehow made you a low-fat bacon quiche.
“Let the sender know how their gesture positively affected you during a difficult time,” says Sehat. If someone has sent a symbol of memoriam, consider writing a thank-you note in response. Something like, “Your thoughtful gesture provided me with a sense of warmth and support when I needed it most,” suggests Sehat. It doesn’t have to be long, but it can be a meaningful way to show your appreciation.
“Something else to consider is that depending on the condolence sent and by whom when you’ve lost a loved one, people’s intended words of comfort can result in a variety of emotions ranging from rage, disgust, and shame,” says Wyatt Fisher, a Boulder, Colorado-based psychologist and relationship coach. “Often the single best response to written and verbal condolences is to say ‘thank you,’” adds Fisher. A simple “thank you” is a polite response to all types of people offering their condolences. If no other words come to you, be OK with that. You’re not 1986 Fidel Castro speaking to the UN on “The Denouncement of Imperialism and Colonialism.” You are in this moment in time—and you are grieving.
Be Honest With Yourself and Others
If someone asks how you’re doing, it’s OK to be honest about your feelings. You don’t have to pretend that everything’s OK if it’s not. Just as everyone uniquely grieves, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to responding to condolences, either. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and your state of mind. If you feel like nuzzling a tub of Rocky Road to an Adele playlist, then do so.
“Because grievers often feel pressured to make others around them feel comfortable, we may disregard what we need in the moment,” says Shaw. “Consider that whenever people express their condolences by saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ and we respond with ‘Thank you’ to avoid another’s discomfort, we aren’t necessarily being true to our own experiences." In these situations, Shaw suggests that it’s perfectly acceptable to respond with how you truly feel: “I’m not sure how to respond to your message,” or “I appreciate your sympathy and ambrosia salad, but need time alone,” or “Yeah, I’m sorry too.”
It’s vital to practice self-care during this tough time. Make sure you’re eating well, getting adequate sleep, and taking time for yourself. If someone offers help, don’t be afraid to accept it—you don’t have to go through this alone. And consider seeking support from friends, family members, or a professional as needed. Because grief plus time still equals grief.
Don't ignore your feelings. They're not Apple's terms and conditions.
“Lastly, if someone is expressing their condolence and showing support, you are allowed to respond with big emotions. You’re allowed to lean on family and friends, you’re allowed to attend support groups, and you’re allowed to cry every week in therapy sessions,” says Shaw. Concealing the true emotions you are experiencing while grieving is unhealthy. Express your grieving experiences, especially to those who are showing their support and providing condolences.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
