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Okay, this is not the happy ending most people imagine when contemplating divorce. But for some couples, time apart does lead to reconciliation. I definitely had moments of wondering if we should reconsider, well into the second year of our split. These moments would pass, often after spending more time with my ex. But it's not unusual to wish, one more time, that there were some way this marriage might be saved.
If you have fantasies of reuniting, striving to take a calm, considerate approach to separation and divorce may leave that possibility open. Attacking your ex in an anger-fueled tirade of legal and emotional harassment won’t help, nor will it bring closure more quickly. Rushing to file also won't help, and can harm your relationship in the immediate and long term. One of my Seven Principles of Parting touches on this: Don't Confuse Filing With Closure. This is another argument for trying to create a good divorce or separation; if there’s any possibility of reconnection, a cooperative approach might show it.
Journalist (and Psychology Today frequent contributor) Abby Ellin wrote a great piece in last week’s New York Times about couples who wed, once again. I was happy for the chance to share my research for her article. Here’s my quote in the piece:
“People really can change through loss,” said Wendy Paris, author of “Splitopia: Dispatches From Today’s Good Divorce and How to Part Well.” “They don’t change through criticism in a contentious marriage. After divorce, your ex still has your words in her head. She could change into someone you get along with a lot better. Also, you might change. You could become more confident and reconnected to important parts of yourself once you’re no longer locked in the adversarial position-taking that often develops in a bad marriage. That confidence or clarity can translate into being more generous and magnanimous of spirit, more accepting.”
Read the rest of the story here.
Have a question or comment? Write me at wendy@wendyparis.com and let me know.
