What's Behind Mommy Guilt?

Source: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

Mommy guilt. Ugh. It comes with the territory of being a mom. But why? Why is it so ingrained in us, as women and as moms, to care, with every ounce of our soul, until our physical battery is below 0 percent and, yet, still feel guilty? How many moms sit with themselves at the end of each day and say, “I did a great job today! I did the best that I could and that was more than good enough!” I’m going to guess that the answer is not many, if any at all.

Where Does This Come From?

1. Poor boundaries

Dictionary.com defines a boundary as a “a limiting or bounding line.” Boundaries apply to the imaginary lines between states, for example, and they are also the imaginary lines we set in our relationships with others. At a young age and in our home of origin, we learn what our boundaries are and where we need to stop. We learn, by seeing how boundaries play out in the relationship between our parents, or our parents and their parents, with our parents and their siblings, and our parents and their friends.

During adolescence, our children “push the boundaries” to see where we set that imaginary line for them and they know the limits of their space and freedom. It creates a sense of safety and belief that they are cared for by their authority figure. It also creates a sense of balance in their world so that it doesn’t feel endless and boundless, which can be scary if there aren’t endpoints in their world.

Think about your boundaries. Where do you set that imaginary line for yourself in your relationships, physically and emotionally? When do you say “No” or “No, thank you?” Do you have a clear idea of that limit? If not, it’s time to set it.

Brené Brown, in her book The Power of Vulnerability, asks us, as humans, to ask ourselves a question before we agree to taking on other “things” to do because it’s easier to say “Yes” than it is to say “No.” I am so inclined to say “Yes” when asked to do something and have often said “Yes” only to become angry and resentful later. Dr. Brown asks us to set our mantra as, “Choose discomfort over resentment” and to practice saying, “I can’t take that on” or “My plate is full right now.” I, personally, like to add “But thank you for thinking of me.” That statement makes me feel better, so I say it.

It’s OK to say “No.” It doesn’t mean you’re lazy, that you don’t care about the welfare of your children or other children, or that you are not a team player.

2. Low self-value

One reason why it may be so difficult to set boundaries and stick to them is because we may feel that we are not worthy of them. We may not feel like we deserve to be respected by others. Perhaps it’s because of a message we internalized when we were children. Many of us grew up in homes where there was a decent amount of criticism, and we ultimately internalized that voice that told us we weren’t doing this right or well. Whatever the reason may be, recognize that there are parts of you that you criticize, judge, and belittle vs. acknowledge, validate, and praise.

3. High standards

Right along with feelings of low self-value comes the high standards to which many moms hold themselves. They are unrealistic and unachievable. Somewhere along the line, we believed that we needed to be “perfect” moms who anticipate our children’s needs, solve their problems before they even become a problem, take away their disappointment or sadness, and give them fabulous life experiences. We pack cute snacks and lunches and healthy dinners with handwritten notes, we sit at the table for each meal, and the list goes on and on.

Perhaps you were a perfectionist coming into the motherhood domain. Perhaps you felt that to be valued, you needed to also be perfect. Perhaps that’s where you gained your validation when you were growing up. You had to “do” and “produce” to be recognized in your family of origin. It’s hard to maintain such an unsustainable standard within the domain of motherhood. In fact, it’s impossible.

Where Do We Go From Here?

1. Listen, identify, and challenge

Listen to that voice that tells you that you aren’t doing a “good job” as a mom. Many of us grew up as, and continue to be, “people pleasers” and are highly empathic. Parenting is a job where you will challenge your children and they will be upset with you. It’s very difficult to sit with how unhappy your child may feel with you in that moment. You may want to make it right by taking away that boundary so they can “like” you again and be “happy” with you.

If your child is happy with you all the time, you may not be setting enough boundaries. Your child is supposed to be upset with you at times because you will need to set limits and boundaries, and they won’t like it. However, in the long run, it will serve them well to know where to stop. It informs our children’s decisions and the inherent message in a boundary is that they are cared for, and someone else “has their back.” They may not like it in the moment, and that’s OK.

Guilt Essential Reads

The Problem With Guilt

I'll Never Tell: Rethinking the Psychology of Secrecy

Each time you’re struggling as a mom, write those negative messages in a journal, a Google Doc, or your notepad on your phone. Now, assess—are these thoughts accurate, or are they self-defeating?

If they’re self-defeating, try to replace them with more positive messages about who you are and your worth:

• I show up every day for my kids.
• I try my best every single day.
• I am a good mom.
• I am a good daughter.
• I am a good friend.
• I am a good sister.
• Sometimes, I need a break, too.
• It’s OK if I can’t take something on right now.
• It’s OK if I didn’t get to everything that I needed to today.
• I’ll try again tomorrow.

2. Self-care isn’t selfish

Many parents won’t stop until “everything” is taken care of for everyone around them. Perhaps this is a life-long pattern, and perhaps this is part of your “mommy-hood identity.” I have said it before and I’ll say it again—motherhood is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. It’s exhausting, overwhelming, and I don’t know if I’m doing it right most of the time.

Take time for yourself. I know, that’s a vague statement. Think about what you need to decompress each day. Think about what fills your physical and emotional battery. Is it to sit in isolation and read or watch a show or movie on NetFlix? Is it physical movement (e.g., taking a walk, going to the gym, doing yoga or pilates)? Is it through a massage or a manicure/pedicure? Whatever it is that brings you calm to your body and mind, do it. Schedule time daily to have five minutes (or however long you need) to sit with your thoughts.

• Look out the window.
• Take a walk without headphones or AirPods.
• Journal (using a physical journal and pen, or via a Google Doc that you can password-protect).
• Listen to a guided meditation.
• Draw or color a mandala page or a part of it.

Believe me, I recognize that this may not be a daily act; however, once you engage in a little quiet time, even if it’s only for a few minutes, you will crave that time again and again because it will give you the mental energy to handle the decisions that you need to make for your family and everywhere else.

3. Pause

As moms, we are used to handling a lot of details and quickly. To help you build in those moments where you can make solid decisions rather than default to the desire to please or to get an answer out as quickly as possible, pause when you are being asked something by your children, your significant other, your co-parent, your coworker, your supervisor, or anybody else. Build in that pause so that you can avoid saying “Yes” without thinking through what you can actually handle or if you are comfortable with that proposal or request.

For example, “Mom, can I go to the park with my friends?” Your natural instinct may be to say “Yes.” Pause and think about how your child will get there and get back, and if you or your significant other have time to be able to drive back and forth. It will also give you the chance to think about asking other questions, such as “Who else will be there?” If you are managing other information or tasks and can’t make a decision in the moment, begin to add “Let me think about it and get back to you,” into your repertoire of responses, rather than giving a reflexive, “Yes.”

Mommy guilt is real. We all want to be the best parent to our child and to raise happy, well-adjusted little people. Parenting is a tough job, and it’s time for us to recognize the source of our guilt and begin to make changes so we don’t burn out and to enjoy the beautiful relationships we have worked diligently to cultivate with our children and family.