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Key points
- Understanding the underlying causes of bullying helps parents effectively address their child's misbehavior.
- Avoid rescuing children from their hardships, and instead help support and empower them to problem-solve.
- When speaking to parents about their child's bullying behavior, develop clear goals for the conversation.
This week, I was interviewed on the CBS/KPIX morning show in San Francisco. We focused on dealing with bullying and "mean girl" behavior. The 2024 version of Mean Girls is now showing in theaters, 20 years after the first movie was released. I had a great conversation with co-anchors Darrin Reed Cowan, Gianna Franco, and Nicole Zaloumis on their segment, "People Are Talking." In this post, I want to share some of the "takeaways" we covered as well as some ideas that are important that we didn't get to.
Be preventative and initiate the importance of being kind to yourself and others. This framework grounds your children in prosocial values and informs them what is expected of them. As challenges arise, self-awareness, open dialogue, unconditional love, as well as accountability are tools parents can use to help their children navigate the complexities of unhealthy relationships and bullying dynamics amongst their peers in real life and online.
What do you do if your child is demonstrating mean behavior?
Try to understand the causes of the meanness and what underlies the misbehavior. Underneath the mean attitude and actions are often complicated feelings of anger, helplessness, loneliness, sadness, and struggle. By understanding the reasons your child is being mean, you will have the knowledge to help them change the behavior. Don't vilify your child, but also don't be in denial about what they are doing. Show them unconditional love and let them know you are there for them, while also pointing out what is incorrect and needs to be fixed.
Think about your own experiences with "mean" behavior. Your self-awareness about your own history will help you be able to communicate authentically as your children navigate what is happening with them.
How do you help your children cope if they are the recipient of mean behavior?
Listen to how the meanness impacts their emotions and how they feel about what is happening. Give space for them to process the incident(s). Reinforce the message that they do not deserve this treatment. Teach your children how they can stand up for themselves, leave the situation, and/or ask for help. Avoid rescuing them from all hardships, and instead help support and empower them to problem-solve. Respond to their distress, but try not to react. Responding means we are giving thought to our advice and actions. Reacting (especially overreacting) involves giving a knee-jerk reply that doesn't take in all information and is often coming from a visceral place.
Do you ever recommend I talk to the parents if their child is bullying my children?
Yes. If you assess your child needs your intervention, it's OK to get involved, especially if there is a pattern of bullying. Remember, though, that you do not know how the other parent will respond (or react) to you reaching out. Be clear with yourself about what the goal is for communicating with the other parent. Are you just wanting them to know what happened? Are you asking them to talk to their child? Are you wanting to express your feelings about the situation? Being clear about your intentions will help you know which words to choose. Try relating to the other parent as a partner in this challenging and important job of parenting.
How can I help my children advocate for others who are being mistreated?
Consider sharing with your children your own experiences with mean behavior. By using self-disclosure in developmentally appropriate ways, it gives them opportunities to relate to you, discuss ideas, and make bullying and allyship topics that your family openly talk about. You can give examples of how you handled things and also ask about how they might help in a similar situation. Building this groundwork at home increases the chances they will intervene when someone needs help outside of the home.
Parenting in the 21st century continues to be a complex journey. I hope these ideas help you as you navigate the nuances of helping your children. From one parent to another, we are in this together.
