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Key points
- Sexual desire discrepancy is a common problem among couples.
- Misconceptions around the "right" amount of sex can create unhealthy expectations and conflict.
- Research shows that more isn't always better when it comes to sex.
- Honest, introspective conversations can help rekindle a couple's spark.
If I had a nickel for every time a couple told me Google said they should be having sex 2-3 times per week, I could buy a pony. But I don’t want a pony, and I’m pretty sure Google also says that dry skin on your elbow *could* be syphilis.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you can probably relate. The sizzle may have fizzled and you’re not having as much sex (or as exciting sex) as you did in the beginning. You wonder: Are we doing it enough? Is our sex too vanilla? Does my partner still think my butt cheeks are cute?
Luckily, this is normal. All couples (including the ones that post annoying pictures on Instagram) experience a decline in sexual frequency over time. Unfortunately, despite how common it is, differing sexual appetites still often lead to conflicts between partners. One of the biggest reasons couples seek professional help is because they’re in a sexual rut and the frustration and resentment have bled into other areas of their relationship. Suddenly they’re not sure if they’re fighting about doing the dishes or just doing it.
Why Our Sex Lives Slow Down
During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, our only job is to stare into each other’s eyes and indulge in sweet nothings. Our sex drives explode and we can’t possibly imagine the passion ever fading. Yet as time passes, we layer on new roles and responsibilities; we move in together, combine finances, get married, manage careers, have kids, deal with illness and grief and unemployment, and so on—all of which can be pretty un-sexy. Eventually, that romantic relationship gets buried under the weight of domestic partnership and sex gets pushed to the back burner.
This is when couples tend to panic and reach out for help, worried that less sex somehow implies that their relationship is in trouble. While a struggling sex life can be indicative of a struggling relationship, it's not always the case. In fact, research shows that the amount of sex you’re having isn’t actually as important as you think. Just as money, possessions, and accomplishments only contribute to your happiness to a point, sex too has diminishing returns. I have clients who have lots of sex but fight a lot, and other clients who have little or no sex and are happy as clams. Studies further show that when couples are told to have a certain amount of sex, they enjoy it less. More is not always better; prioritizing warmth, emotional connection, and harmony in your sexual interactions whenever they do occur is more important than keeping score of how many times you’ve done the deed.
Let’s be clear: I’m not suggesting sex doesn’t matter. Physical intimacy is no doubt a meaningful part of romantic relationships, and enjoying that type of chemistry with your partner is one of the greatest joys of the human experience. What I am suggesting is that it doesn’t define your relationship. Nonetheless, if your dwindling sex life is stressing you out, there are things you can do to rekindle that spark.
How to Rekindle Your Sex Life
Based on my research, teaching, and clinical experience, here are three strategies I work on with my coaching clients to help them open up channels of communication around sex and find new ways of seeing and being together physically.
1. Get curious. Reflect on your inner workings around sex. What kinds of things get you in the mood? What makes you shut down? In what locations and at what time of day are you most interested in having sex? What’s the most pleasurable aspect of it for you? What past experiences have shaped what you like and dislike in the bedroom? How might these things play into your increased or decreased libido?
2. Get comfortable. Talk honestly with your partner about sex. Most couples struggle with this because it can be awkward, especially if you’re trying to share constructive feedback. But your partner can’t read your mind (I know, it sucks) so find gentle yet direct ways to be honest about what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, why your sex drive has changed, and what they can do to support you.
3. Get creative. Experiment with new ways of being sexual together. This may mean external novelty (lingerie, sex toys, ethical porn) or internal novelty (sharing fantasies, taboo desires, role play). It could also involve other people, if ethical non-monogamy interests you. Our sexuality evolves over time and allowing space for each other’s wants and needs to change is key to a satisfying sex life long-term.
Does the thought of broaching these conversations with your partner give you acid reflux? It's OK; most people feel nervous. But letting things continue the way they have been could be worse. Luckily, you don’t have to tackle this alone. If you’re ready to do a deep dive into your intimate life, consider seeking out a relationship coach or couples’ therapist who can help you do the dirty work. I can’t guarantee you’ll be having sex 2-3 times/week, but I can say with certainty that what you learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship will enhance your sex life in far more meaningful ways.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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