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Crushes—those fluttery feelings of infatuation toward someone who isn’t your partner—are a common experience for many people, even when they are in committed relationships. These feelings can be directed toward peers, coworkers, friends, or even strangers, such as celebrities. But what do these feelings really mean? Are they harmless daydreams or potential threats to the stability of your relationship?
Here are two questions to ascertain whether your crush is just a crush, or a beacon of danger for your relationship.
1. Do You Want to Act on It?
A 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals in committed relationships, as opposed to single people, typically have no intention of communicating their attraction to their crush and do not expect their crushes to evolve into something deeper or to replace their current relationship.
Researchers found that for most partnered individuals, crushes remain fleeting and superficial, akin to playful fantasies, without any real intent to pursue the object of their attraction. This restraint is exercised to preserve the primary relationship.
“It is possible that crushes are not actually intended to lead to mating with a preferred partner, much like play-fighting among juvenile animals is not intended to result in actual combat or injury,” the researchers explain. "Crushes are not necessarily problematic or predictive of relationship problems or dissolution; attraction to others may be a necessary, but not sufficient, prerequisite for infidelity to occur."
However, not all crushes are harmless. The key question to ask yourself is: Do you want to act on it? If you find yourself wanting to pursue a deeper connection with a crush, be it emotional or physical, it could indicate underlying issues in your relationship. For instance, experiencing dissatisfaction, a lack of fulfillment, a wavering commitment to your partner, or unmet emotional needs may drive you toward sabotaging it through infidelity.
Another critical factor to consider is the agreement around exclusivity with your partner and what, for you both, amounts to “crossing the line.” It’s essential to communicate openly about these feelings and set clear boundaries to ensure fidelity and respect in a relationship.
2. How Is It Impacting Your Relationship?
Participants of the 2021 study also reported that crushes primarily had a positive psychological impact on them. “Participants reported the strongest agreement with the statement that crushes are for fun and added excitement to their day. Men reported significantly stronger agreement to the items that an attraction to someone other than their partner had a positive impact on their relationship, increased their desire or attraction to their primary partner and made them feel that their life was complete,” the researchers write.
However, some participants also experienced negative outcomes, experiencing guilt, moral conflict or even decreased satisfaction with their partner. So, it is essential to ask yourself how these feelings are impacting you, your partner, and your relationship to gauge how they need to be managed.
A 2015 study similarly examined women’s experiences with crushes outside their primary romantic relationship. Participants reported that these feelings did not impact their relationship and in some cases even improved their desire for their partner. Many were able to channel their physical attraction to their crush into their own relationship and find ways to connect with their partner.
“My partner and I talk about the people we are attracted to, often tease each other about them/argue relative hotness/make jokes about backup spouses, and then remind each other that we are the ones we come home to,” one participant explains, highlighting how open communication about such feelings can build trust, reduce a sense of threat, and strengthen relationships.
Researchers suggest that simply having a crush does not lead to infidelity and that crushes can co-exist with even the happiest of relationships. However, if a crush has a negative impact, it is likely a symptom of a deeper conflict within you regarding your relationship.
Evaluating your intentions and the effects on your relationship can help determine if a crush is benign or a cause for concern. Further, honest communication and self-reflection are crucial in navigating these feelings without jeopardizing your primary relationship. Ultimately, crushes can be a natural part of the human experience but handling them thoughtfully and ethically is instrumental in reaffirming your commitment to your partner.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
