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There is an undeniable relationship between our sexuality and the food we eat. And somehow, for millions of Americans, we have lost our way in our search for sexual satisfaction and pleasure somewhere in a big box of chocolate.
Food has become a stand-in for sex, for countless people.
After all, eating is accessible and provides an immediate rush of pleasure. Eating compulsively can also put us in a kind of trance state and numb us for what we may be really wanting. This does beg the question: "Why are we substituting food for sex?"
Perhaps it is the usual obstacles to sexual pleasure that get in our way: guilt, shame, and fear. And of course, instead of owning and speaking our desire to ourselves and to our partners, we turn instead to the sensation of a crisp salty pretzel or lick our way through mountains of ice cream (just this once).
Humans are sensation seekers. Why do you think that "Pop Rock" Candies that explode in your mouth are such a hit?
We crave sensation, pleasure, and something we just can't name as we reach compulsively for the next great snack food. But have you noticed that it never really works? Perhaps for a moment, that initial rush of pleasure and sensation almost hits the mark. And if it doesn't quite do it, we are off and running for something else...maybe this time we will try hot and spicy?
The truth is that what we are really wanting is not going to be found in our refrigerator, and that "peak experience" is never anything that we can feel good about in the morning. Instead, those old friends come back and visit anyway: guilt, shame, and fear — and this time it is about what we ate instead of our unfilled sexual desires. Why is that easier for us to swallow?
Too many of us live our lives holding "forbidden desire" and it shuts us down all the way to our toes. You can open it up and taste your "forbidden fuit" in so many other ways than with food. Use it in your fantasies without shame, speak it, read about it, watch it. You can free it up whether you fulfill it or not. The cost is too high to your health, happiness, creativity, and your love life to keep it in the dark.
The goal is for a chocolate chip cookie to be just a chocolate chip cookie, to be enjoyed for the cookie's sake. Not as a replacement drug to help you forget your sexual loneliness or a poor stand-in for sexual pleasure or our repressed sexual desires.
When we open our own private Pandora's Box and begin to explore that it might not be about the food, but something bigger and even more primal and forbidden than that chocolate-dipped twinkie, we are making a tremendous first step into patching the holes that are preventing our stomachs from telling us that we are full.
But stepping forward and saying that it is not about the food, but that our disordered eating (no matter how that manifests) is about how we stop ourselves from really going deep in our relationship with our partners, our own bodies, and our sexuality can be incredibly scary. There is no way that we cannot touch upon the deepest of issues in our lives (and there are few things as central as sex and food) without feeling uncomfortable. Go slow, and get support.
Difficult and sensitive issues are sure to surface. But that is where we find our freedom, and eventually touch our bliss.
When we are trapped in a relationship with food as a replacement for anything other than the food - my suggestion is to go slowly. There is a wonderful free summit on eating disorders going on right now, and the talks will remain up so that you can listen in at any time. Jack into the summit. You will even meet experts who believe that it has everything to do with the food.
To learn more about Pamela's first book, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure, and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale, January 2011) please click here.
