You Cheated. Should You Tell?

Consider what is known colloquially as a one-night stand, not an affair of any length. Someone had too much to drink, or a long-simmering attraction came to a boil. It could happen when one of the partners is out of town and the perfect opportunity occurs.

The lapse weighs heavily on the straying partner, who wants to clear his or her conscience and disclose it to their partner. The cheater’s conscience may be cleared—but the confession may end the relationship. At the very least it will end the partner’s trust.

Very often, the one betrayed wants to know who, when, where, how many times and how they compare as a lover—intimate details of the event the cheater had no intention of sharing.

If the sexual partner in this is someone known to them both, the injured party may insist that the person of the event be banished from their lives. If the sex partner is someone met while traveling, it isn’t an issue. But If it’s someone in their regular social circle or a work colleague of the cheater, avoiding future contact can pose many complications.

Another option for the guilty party needing to confess is to unburden to someone other than their partner—a good friend, relative, or a member of the clergy. That may open the door to lectures on morality, shaming, and a sense that forever more that person “has something on you.”

A third option is to keep the secret of one’s indiscretion, which, my experience as a therapist has taught me, is very difficult for many. Withholding a guilty secret from one’s partner can be like the proverbial elephant in the room, something forever unsaid weighing on the conscience. For some, the option is not even possible for the life of the relationship—it might be blurted out months or years from the lapse itself, perhaps used as a weapon in an argument.

In any case, holding the secret may weigh heavily on the one who cheated and doing so may feel like a punishment. In fact, not telling is often punishment for the betrayal of the relationship. Holding a secret one would very much like to tell, keeping a secret from one’s partner, becomes a burden the cheater must shoulder, a difficult punishment.

Often the cheater decides that holding the secret is the wisest option but at some point, months or even years later, feels he or she can no longer do so. When a confession comes well after the betrayal, the partner’s response is often worse than a timely confession would have been. The “how could you keep such a secret from me?” accusations tend to be very bitter.

So unless the cheater is positive his or her partner will “understand” or the cheater is willing to take the punishment is meted out by the partner, it may be wise to think more than twice about burdening them with the knowledge. As I have said to many clients over the years, I think that s/he who cheated should bear the burden of the secret. What do you think?