Reigniting Passion

The truth is that a long-term relationship providing comfort and familiarity is usually incompatible with passion, which flourishes with newness and obstacles. Perverse creatures that we humans are, we generally want both—the comfort of the familiar and the excitement of the new or difficult. I am reminded of the country song “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away.”

Some of the most passionate relationships are those with built-in times of separation: One partner travels often or is deployed in the military. These are often relationships with hardships, both economic and emotional, but the reunions are also often passionate and the pleasure of time together is heightened by the knowledge that it is temporary.

So how to enjoy the calm and stability of a long-term committed relationship with the excitement and passion of the new?

One common solution I do not recommend is arguing or fighting so that the couple can then have “make-up sex.” The acrimony is not worth the strain on the relationship. Couples who do this, however, are often not aware of the purpose behind their hostilities, only of the pleasure of the reconciliation.

Some couples play-act. They pretend to meet in a bar or flirt at a party, with each other or with others. The outcome is always the same, however. They go home with each other.

One of my own favorite methods is to remember or even discuss times and occasions when passion flourished. Recalling an occasion of passion can reignite it. Remember it. Talk about it with your partner.

A common solution to relationship blahs is to change things up. Make love on the living room couch instead of the bed, for instance. Do it in the morning instead of the evening, partially clothed instead of nude. For the sexual initiator, avoid the same routine: Begin with kissing the belly, perhaps, or giving a massage. Bring some newness into your sex life.

Since a time-honored way to reignite sexual passion is newness, getting away entirely from the routine is often rejuvenating. Vacation sex, like make-up sex, has the effect of stirring things up. If you can get away for a weekend, do so. Even better, involve the outdoors in your getaway. Walking together through the woods, boating while you chat, exploring a new area may incite you to explore one another with new eyes as well.

If you and/or your relationship is suffering from the blahs or the blues, it’s worth the effort to reignite passion, however briefly, in order to remember why you fell in love in the first place.