Do Men Need Women to Fake Orgasms for Them?

Source: Daderot/CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

Is it easier for a woman to establish her womanhood than it is for a man to establish his manhood? “Yes,” say psychologists Joseph Vandello and Jennifer Bosson, and the reason is rooted in our gendered society and the different demands placed on women and men.

For a woman in our society, there is a relatively clear biological and developmental transition from being a girl to a woman; by contrast, a boy who wants to be a man must adapt to a relatively more precarious social status that requires him to maintain his manhood against a culture seemingly working to lessen his masculinity, perhaps to make him become gentler and more sensitive. He must, or so the precarious manhood theory has it, “guard against the psychological stress of lost masculinity by behaving in ways that increase perceptions of [his] manhood.” Thus, a man might assert his masculinity in ways detrimental to him, his family, and society—such as being aggressive, abusive, homophobic, or violent.

Being masculine is not easy and is, at best, tenuous. It must be earned, maintained, and publicized through masculine actions, which can lead to high levels of anxiety about gender status, especially when a man's masculinity is challenged or jeopardized by women.

Given these conditions and threats, women can help men recover by reinforcing their masculinity. Men need this assistance and women can help. One way may be by not telling a man the truth about his sexual incompetence. This is the conclusion reached by psychologist Jessica Jordan and colleagues in three studies exploring precarious manhood (assessment item: “I do things to show others I’m a real man.”). Their research explored how women “handle” men who fail to live up to traditional gender norms in displaying sexual competence with an ability to bring a woman to orgasms at least once if not multiple times during a sexual encounter. If she is not already aware of his sensitivity to being sexually skilled, she will soon realize this aspect of him, even though it may not be her value system. Should she deceive him into thinking he’s good in bed—or better than he is? Is it okay if she were to fake her orgasm? Should she give him honest feedback and tell the truth even if it’s a message that he’s not that good in bed? How important is it for him to feel that he's adequately masculine? Does she really care?

To assess whether a woman, when sensing that her male partner’s “manhood is threatened,” will use deceptive sexual communication to help him out with his precarious masculinity, three studies were conducted. In the first, over 150 women recruited from Facebook completed an anonymous survey. To avoid threatening her male partner’s masculinity, the survey found, a woman was more likely to fake orgasms if she earned more money than he did. If she earned substantially more, she was even more likely to report faking orgasms. Her motivation might be to better equalize their relationship, though her actions could lower her own sexual satisfaction. Perhaps having an actual orgasm might have contributed to her having a good time during sex.

The second study further investigated these issues with nearly 300 college women. If a woman believed her male partner was particularly high in precarious manhood, this study found, then she was more likely to experience anxiety, to fake orgasms, and to report lower levels of sexual satisfaction and orgasms. She was thus less likely to communicate sexually with him.

If presented with a hypothetical male partner who was insecure in his manhood, the third study found, a woman would feel heightened anxiety about communicating with her male partner about her sexual satisfaction. She would be deceptive with him because her own anxiety would increase if she hurt his feelings after unsatisfying sex.

The authors concluded that women censor “their sexual communication, with the presumed intention of protecting their partner’s precarious sense of masculinity.” This stifling of communication hurts women by lowering their own sexual satisfaction. The result for male partners may be distorted feedback about how they are doing sexually with their female partner. Without this knowledge they lack the knowledge they need to alter their sexual behavior to make things better for both partners.

My Take

All of this feels like a vicious cycle. The authors concluded, “Open and honest communication is important in sexual relationships, but the challenge is that, while open communication can benefit women’s sexual outcomes, it risks threatening men’s confidence and esteem.” Yet, if a man does not receive accurate information from a woman about his sexual performance (was it adequate for her to have an orgasm?) then how will he improve his skills or sensitivity? If a woman is so concerned about the man’s precarious masculinity that she does not give him the feedback he needs to improve, her sexual satisfaction suffers. But if she were to tell him, which makes her anxious, could he hear it if he is already overly sensitive about his masculinity and sexual performance? If this situation continues, perhaps both will be motivated to find extra-dyadic partners and the partnership might be threatened. Is that what we’re striving for? I don’t think so.

Here is my solution:

1. Men get over it and do what is necessary to feel comfortable in your own gender skin.
2. Both of you: Start being honest in your communication.
3. Help each other improve skills and honesty.