Is a Straight Man Really Straight?

Source: New York University Press, used with permission

A straight man might identify as straight even though he has sex or falls in love with other men. He is not necessarily secretly hiding his sexuality, nor is he necessarily in denial about the meaning of such attractions. Neither can his un-straight behavior be dismissed as simply “experimenting.”

Sociologist Tony Silva (2021) at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver interviewed straight-identified men who live in rural America—many of whom enjoy hunting, fishing, shooting guns, and other “manly” sports. In his recent book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility Among White Men in Rural America, Silva argues that these men strongly identify with straight culture; to them, their secretive same-sex partnerships and their sexual identity are not paradoxical. The disconnect between the two might be motivated by several considerations:

1. Having sex with other men bonds them with other men in an acceptably masculine way.
2. Their nonromantic same-sex behavior protects them from emotional entanglements with women.
3. Rather than having sex with a female prostitute or mistress, sex with men is viewed as a more acceptable form of extramarital sex.
4. Their sexual urges are relieved in a manner that reinforces their masculinity and heterosexuality.

Sexual encounters with men might be brief hookups or occur with regular male friends. Most of these men choose other masculine, white, and straight or secretly bisexual men as partners. They participate in a wide range of sex acts, including anally penetrating a man and being penetrated by a man. As Silva concluded, “It is not the sexual practices themselves but individuals’ interpretations of them that are central to sexual identity and gender.”

Indeed, which sex they have sex with was mostly irrelevant for the sexual identities of the men Silva interviewed. Of far greater importance for their sexual identity were “romantic relationships with women, childrearing, integration in straight communities, and how they perceived their masculinity.”

In an email exchange, I asked Tony Silva about the significance of his research: “It demonstrates that there are many different populations of men who have sex with men. These guys are different from men who identify as bisexual, gay, mostly gay, and mostly straight. They align themselves strongly with heterosexual identification and straight culture, and their complicated interpretations of their sexual practices reinforce this.”

He added that researchers should focus more frequently on the distinctions between sexual orientation and sexual identity. “My participants experience a wide variety of sexual desires, fantasies, and attractions, and different sexual histories, but all have sex with men and identify as straight. To them ‘straight’ refers more to their identification with mainstream heterosexual institutions, such as conventional marriage, and straight culture more broadly. Their narratives show how similar sexual practices carry different meanings across contexts and populations.”

Based on a recent review of the research literature (2017), I discovered that the largest group of men who have sex with men identify as straight. Although some identify as mostly straight, they are frequently blended with the totally straight group in research studies. Other straight-identified men with same-sex behavior engage in such behavior for a variety of reasons (drunk/high, experimental, boarding school or fraternity hazing or opportunities, favor for a friend, etc.) that does not reflect their straight identity or orientation. Of course, some identify as straight but are in reality closeted bisexuals or gays by sexual orientation—perhaps likely to come out at a later age (if ever).

The contrast Silva makes between identity and orientation and the various meanings same-sex behavior has for individuals were well illustrated by the mostly straight young men I interviewed. When mostly straight men entertained or had sexual relations with a man, provided it was the right man (attractive, hot, his type) or the right circumstances (after a party, sleeping in the same bed, intense sexual moment), it was not to solidify their masculinity or heterosexuality but as an expression of their sexual or romantic orientation.

Five take-home messages

1. Straight-identified men can exist on a sexual and/or romantic spectrum.
2. Straight men can be sexually fluid.
3. Straight men can be considerably more complex than we previously believed.
4. To determine straight men’s sexual orientation their romantic attractions might be of greater importance than their sexual attractions; or, said in another way, romantic orientation trumps sexual orientation.
5. How many such individuals exist is unknown and likely will not be known until gender and sexual barriers regarding appropriate behavior and attraction are greatly reduced.