Why Do Old People Have Sex?

Source: Tibor Végh [CC BY 3.0]

Most elderly individuals are no longer reproducing or generating biological offspring to enhance their legacy. If they continue to have sex, aren't they at risk for heart attacks or strokes? Do they have sufficient libido? Isn't it just too much physical effort? Besides, aren't they in separate bedrooms by this time?

Perhaps these are questions we don’t want answers to — and yet, there are many myths and misconceptions about elderly sex that should be corrected.

Enter into this discussion a recent small-scale qualitative study by sociologist Gewirtz-Meydan and clinical psychologist Liat Ayalon, who noted, “To the best of our knowledge, no previous study has examined sexual motives in the second half of life.” If true, this is shocking and likely reflects the ageism permeating much of sexology.

The participants were 24 male and 23 female Israeli adults, age 60 to 91. One was single, 10 were divorced, two were widowed, and 34 were married.

Five main motivations were identified:

1. Maintain Overall Functioning. This is a “use it or lose it” motive, to keep themselves in shape, energetic, and vital: “Just like you want to be able to walk, and you want to be able to hike, and you want to be able to climb, and you want to feel strong — sex takes a certain amount of energy and you certainly want to be able to continue to do it.”

2. Feel Young Again. By having sex, one avoids feeling so old: “I want to feel young as long as I can. It makes me feel like I am young again, that I am not just another old lady.”

3. Feel Attractive and Desirable. With age, older people may become sensitive about their appearance (wrinkles, loose skin, stooping gait): “For the attention, to feel confident. It makes you feel desired, attractive. That I am not losing it. That I still have it.”

4. Lust to Love. While young, they were motivated by physical attraction and lust, but as they aged, the shift has been to engage in sex for relational motives to enhance love: “When you are older, what is important is being together and the respect you have for your partner, and if you feel good in your partner’s company.”

5. “Getting Sex” to “Giving Sex." With age comes a shift from biological, hormonal selfishness (personal pleasure) to focusing on one’s partner’s sexual needs and pleasure. “I think it’s almost more important for me that my partner gets enjoyment, as opposed to me.”

Reflections

The authors concluded: “The present findings indicate that sexual motives are complex and encompass varied reasons, including biological (maintaining overall functioning), psychological (feeling desirable), and social aspects (interpersonal reasons).”

Of course, these sexual motives are not solely the province of the aged; many adolescents and young adults share these concerns. Youths want to feel attractive and desirable, and having sex is one way to receive this confirmation. Youths also worry about sexual functioning (premature ejaculation, sexual pain, erections, orgasm failures) and not all young adults have sex solely to “get off.”

The authors are aware of this developmental context: What they heard from their aged interviewees might also apply to other ages. For example, traditional gender roles affect individuals regardless of their age, though it is likely that the aged are more wedded to them because of the era in which they grew up. Now past their lusty adolescence and young adulthood, the older men appeared more “feminine” in their consideration of the interpersonal, emotional context of sexual activity and the heightened concern with their partner’s sexual pleasure. I would like to believe that young people today are enacting these “nontraditional” gender roles—that women can lust and men can love.

The authors note various unique factors that affect the aged, such as the ability of men to achieve and maintain an erection and, I might add, for women to find male sex partners, given the generally earlier deaths of men. However, perhaps most critically, ageist stereotypes and mandates are readily abundant in our culture, including that sex is all about penetrative sex and that beauty is all about youthfulness. Believing these myths can inhibit an older adult’s (or a youth’s) sexual expression.

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