The Sexpert Chronicles: Profile of an Infidelity Expert

Earlier this year, the fallout from the Ashley Madison hacking scandal had many couples scared and angry. Online information about their sex lives they thought would stay private became public and affairs were exposed. The timing inspired me to sit down and talk with Dr. Tammy Nelson for my new blog project, The Sexpert Chronicles. Dr. Nelson is a sex and relationship therapist, and the author of several books, including The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity.

AK - Has the rate of infidelity increased and, if so, why?

TN - With the widespread use of the internet to meet outside partners, to find sexual stimulation, to explore erotic interests, the capacity to compartmentalize our lives has increased tremendously in the past few years. Many couples split off their erotic energy outside of the relationship when they feel their relationship cannot contain it. This is the first time in history that you can lie in bed next to your partner and cheat on them, without their knowledge. This is not a sexual problem, it is a dilemma of integrity. Affairs are about hiding and not keeping our promises. Integrity means integrating all of the parts of the self - those that are revealed and those that are denied. Remembering those parts is what healing is about. When we heal after infidelity, we must face ourselves, re-member who we are, integrate all the parts of ourselves and truly be open and honest. Honesty is this century’s biggest challenge.

AK - What is "the new monogamy" and can it apply to any couple, or only for couples recovering from affairs?

TN - The real meaning of a new monogamy is that both partners honestly agree and talk about their vision of a new form of relationship, constantly updating from the last, most recent version. We are always creating new, developmentally more mature versions of ourselves and our relationships, so we need to upgrade our monogamy agreements as well. We can agree on anything we want, as long as we discuss it and define it. This is not our parent’s definition of marriage, or anyone else's idea of what it should look like, this is our ideal dream partnership.

AK - Is it possible to forgive your partner after they cheat?

TN - For the person who has been cheated on, it can take a lifetime to heal the hurt. But an affair does not have to mean the end of a relationship. For some, it can be a wake-up call. For many couples, an affair can signify a need to have a new conversation about honesty and an opportunity to create a new definition of monogamy. For some, the narrative changes from “why did you do this to me?” to a new conversation built on “How did we get here?” And, “is this what we really want?”

AK - What about trust, will you ever trust each other again?

TN - Many couples that I see in my therapy office will at some point say "Perhaps this affair was the best thing that could have happened to us." For some it is a wake up call; a way to stimulate a dying relationship, a way to be honest about what they truly want and desire, a way to kick start or stimulate their need to communicate. If both partners can use it to create a healthy sense of separateness and see one another as differentiated with separate needs, as two people who can still come together with integrity, it can work.
But integrity means integrating all of the parts of the self. If you continue to compartmentalize your life and cannot be honest with your partner about who you are and what you desire, it won’t get better. It is not about confessing details about the affair or about every thought you have - it is about being honest about who you are as a person - what you truly desire and crave as a man, as a woman. Being honest and transparent about that is difficult at best, but disastrous when it is hidden from a partner, or worse, from yourself.

AK - What inspired you to specialize in relationships and infidelity?

Source: Tammy Nelson, used with permission

TN - My specialty niche in treating couples who are recovering from infidelity sprang from my work in couple's counseling and my work as a Certified Sex Therapist. I see couples in my office who are looking for help in one of two areas, either desire and arousal issues in their erotic relationship, or betrayal and trust problems as a result of a violation of their monogamy agreement, either implied or explicit. As a licensed professional, I have had almost thirty years of experience working in a variety of modalities that can help me bring couples together who want to heal their marriages and committed partnerships. There is nothing more powerful or important than our primary love relationships, when these are solid and passionate, content and attached, we feel connected and empowered in other parts of our lives. It also gives us freedom to explore our own individual growth, when we have a strong partnership at home.

AK - How does one become an expert in relationships and infidelity?

TN - To be an expert in sexuality, relationships and infidelity, I have several advanced degrees, many post graduate licenses and have studied for many years with other experts in these fields, in a variety of disciplines. I have written three books, many articles, eBooks, chapters, forwards, and recorded hundreds of hours of teleseminars on these topics. I have presented training seminars for other professionals in the field of human relationships around the world, and am a sought after international speaker in the area of relationships, sexuality and affair recovery. I have led workshops and retreats for couples for many years, and have seen couples and individuals in my private practice for almost twenty years. I am an adjunct professor, and a CE provider, and am currently working on a new book and several new projects for television.

AK - What are you working on now, and what is to come, in the future?

TN - Probably a book about the future of marriage. It will include a variety of experiences, as well as a section on sex and spirituality. Most of my intensives and retreats can be found at www.drtammynelson.com. If you mention PsychologyToday.com. I will send you a free excerpt from The New Monogamy as my gift to you.
Being in a relationship is a choice. Some days it is a difficult choice. But it is optional. We choose to be there if we want to. And if we want to make it more powerful – we have to practice. If we practice every day we get better at it.