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Key points
- People often regret the things they didn't do.
- Emotions can be a beacon, shining a light on something that someone wants or needs in their life.
- Being self-aware of one's emotions can lead to greater exploration of would bring one happiness.
- When a person understands why they feel a certain way, it can lead them to discover their most authentic self.
Someone asked me recently what they should do about the romantic feelings they have for someone who is not their significant other. Both the person who asked and the person they have feelings for are in committed relationships—not married, but committed.
This person is carrying around immense shame and guilt. He hasn’t done anything to feel ashamed or guilty about—he hasn’t cheated—but his emotional brain is telling him that merely having these feelings means he’s a bad person.
As I listened to his conflict, I thought about myself 25 years ago when I was in a similar situation. I had a close guy friend, who we’ll call Mark. We did everything together. Went to school. Studied. Ate. Drank. Listened to music. Over the course of three years, our feelings of familiar friendship morphed into a passionate electricity that drew our hands to touch a few seconds longer than appropriate. At the time, we were both in committed relationships—not married, but committed.
When our feelings overflowed one drunken night, we decided we had no choice but to break up with our significant others.
And we did.
He did so without hesitation or regret.
I was a little more hesitant. Sam, the guy I was with, offered me a sense of safety that made me feel comfortable about where I was emotionally. Coming from a dysfunctional, violent home, I craved normalcy, a kind family, and a sense of security that permitted me to stay emotionally closed off from the world.
And so I went back to Sam and married him. I stayed in my safe, passionless cocoon as I watched Mark fall in love with someone else and get married.
A year later, I asked Mark to lunch. I told him I was sorry and that I still loved him. He kindly told me that it was too late to look back. That we’d both made other choices. I knew he was right, but regret flooded through me.
What if I’d told him sooner?
I’m happily married now and have loved my husband, David, passionately for nearly 20 years. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Nor could I imagine being married to Mark.
But here’s the deal…
The feelings I had for Mark were a flashing warning sign that Sam was not the guy for me. That there was something missing in my relationship with Sam, something I wanted, yes, but even more so, something I needed.
In these moments of emotional confusion and uncomfortable indecision, we must lean in and investigate our feelings. Explore them. Journal about them. Write a letter to ourselves asking why we feel this way. Trust that our emotions are here to protect us, guide us, and show us what we might be missing out on.
Am I saying that we should act instinctively on our emotions?
No.
Am I saying we should end a relationship or quit a job because we feel like we want something else?
No.
But I am saying that our emotions are a beacon of light that can guide us to being our most authentic selves and to finding true happiness. Once we have fully felt and analyzed our emotions, we might see exactly what would make our lives brighter and more fulfilling.
And what about those feelings of guilt and shame we may feel? That’s our emotional brain trying to keep us “safe.” It’s trying to protect us from getting hurt or rejected. Subconsciously, our brain is trying to keep us in a small, safe life.
Don’t let it!
Be bold. Be brave. Be honest. Do some soul-searching. We must ask ourselves the hard questions and then take action.
The only thing we ever really regret is the thing we didn’t do.
