Verified by 
Adolescence
Six CalmingTips for Parenting Teens
Do you feel pushed to your limits by your teen?
Posted October 4, 2014
Dallas Texas psychologist, Dr. Pam Garcy, understands the challenge of negotiating with teenagers, as she has two. As a therapist, she helps parents to better understand and relate to their teens. She works with teens who often complain about their parents. This is a challenging period for all, but an opportunity for all to do better. Dr. Garcy shares her P-R-A-I-S-E approach for parents who struggle to find better ways to relax, relate to, and counsel their teens as they stretch for independence. (Dr. Bill Knaus)
Pam’s Advice
As a teenager’s parent, you will often have reason to feel proud of your teen’s accomplishments, growing confidence, maturity, and leaps in ability to think and create. You may feel appreciated when you roll up your sleeves and help your teen prepare for college or for a career. However, teenage years can be challenging. You may sometimes scratch your head in disbelief. For example, why doesn’t your teen show more persistence in preparing to get into a better college or career?
Will arguing help?
You have an important challenge when you are parenting a teen whose brain continues to make striking changes. Your teen’s brain will not fully conform to the shape of adult brain until the early 20s. Brain circuitry continues to develop. Brain volume in regions of common sense and judgment are growing, but not yet there. Meanwhile, it is in the nature of the teen brain that your teen may sometimes do dumb things and show a remarkable skill in justifying the unjustifiable. At times, you may have to substitute judgments when it is clear that your teen is heading toward a cliff wearing blindfolds. However, these experiences often instruct the development of resiliency where you both discover that you can bounce back from adversity.
Effective parents act differently than laissez-faire parents, or those who feel overwhelmed and helpless, or those who over-empathize to the point of reinforcing angst. Equipped with psychologist Albert Ellis’ rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT) coping skills approach, practically any parent can better manage the challenges that arise when they interact with their teens. These parents understand that when they keep levelheaded, and genuinely act out of concern, that they are better able to model ways to resolve conflicts and promote clear thinking that their teenaged daughter or son can healthfully imitate.
Promoting Growth through P-R-A-I-S-E
Let’s look at a parent effectiveness P-R-A-I-S-E program that draws on six basic REBT principles for keeping calm and helping your teen grow in confidence and good judgment.
Practice unconditional self-acceptance, other acceptance, and life acceptance. As you parent a teen, you may go through periods where you have more challenges than you’d prefer. Under trying circumstances, it is easy to think that you should be more competent. Instead, accept yourself as a fallible human being. Parents are not perfect people. They make mistakes. They can self-improve and grow. This unconditional self-acceptance can have a calming effect on both you and others.
The principle of unconditional other acceptance is that of taking people where they are without judging and then categorizing them in single descriptive terms. This is a process where you work to accept your teen as a person who is still developing. Teens are still learning how to negotiate their individuality and discover where they fit. Even those with considerable bravado, are quite fallible at this age. By listening with accepting and understanding ears, you are more likely to experience reciprocity. However, listening and understanding doesn't mean to always agree and capitulate. You can, and will, judge actions. (Think back over your own life. If you feel accepted, are you more likely to be receptive to what others have to say?) By acting on the principle of other acceptance, you may be in a better position to help your teen voluntarily disengage from self-sabotaging or harmful behavior, or to accept ways of doing things that take advantage of his or her considerable talents. However, since you are the adult, you will sometimes have to put your foot down when your teen tests limits in ways that are likely to do more harm than good.
You can’t avoid it. You will have frustrations and disappointments when life mimics Murphy’s Law. Indeed, some describe Murphy’s Law as optimistic: this is the idea that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. The concept of unconditional life acceptance can help you maintain a healthy sense of perspective. For example, when parenting your teen, you may find yourself focusing on the difficulties of your life, the injustices of your teen’s life, or even on how fast life goes by. Rather than lament, accept. You can’t do anything about some of life’s inevitabilities, such as the fact that we age. So why caterwaul about the unchangeable. Instead, focus on what you can control or change. I know this is challenging. Do you have a better alternative?
Are you likely to be perfectly consistent in practicing these three dimensions of acceptances? Probably not! However, small gains, here and there, can add up to big differences.
Restructure unhelpful beliefs. Dr. Albert Ellis understood that frequent work and practice were at the core of approaching life with greater ease. How you think about things is your reality, but what if your thinking is misleading? So, think about your thinking. What do you believe when you feel excessively distressed? Do you make mountains out of molehills and then believe that you are helpless to cope? Who says you are helpless when it comes to self-improvement? When you accept that you are not always going to be the helpless puppet of nasty, negative beliefs, and that you can change them to gain a more reality-based existence, I predict that both you and your teen will work better together.
Anti-awfulize. Parents sometimes see teen behaviors as awful. Dr. Ellis said that when parents awfulize, they see the teen's behavior (or the consequences of the behavior) as the worst possible thing that can happen. While it can be very bad if a teen's behavior has seriously negative consequences, it is usually unhelpful to label a negative consequence as awful, terrible, or horrible; this usually increases anxiety in both the parent and teen. Instead, recognize that while consequence may be very bad, there are probably ways that it could be worse. However whether something could be worse or better, it is what it is. Now, what are your options? For example, in some instances, you might benefit from re-labeling negative consequences as a real pain in the neck, or as unfortunate. Realistic relabeling correlates with reduced tension and a clearer head for making better judgments.
I-statements. Rather than blaming your teen for your feelings or reactions, work to own them. Instead of an accusatory “you” upset me, “I" statements are usually more accurate (since you are the one who experiences your feelings and you largely create your reactions to your teen). For example, instead of “You disappointed me,” an alternative is “I felt disappointed.” Rather than defending themselves against accusations, your teen(s) may see you as a fallible human being and may be more open to discussing changes.
Stay silly. REBT advocates retaining your sense of humor! Learn to laugh with your teen (not at them!), and to laugh at some of your less rational ideas. Realize that as teens grow, their hormones are raging, their desires to be independent are strong, and their demands upon you are likely to be commensurate with their commitment to impress others. Laughing at things you both find funny can reduce the intensity of this time for both of you.
Encourage the relationship. Notice the good and attend to it often. For example, when one parent's teen said, "I don't want to talk with you about how my brother's doing. I need to focus on myself," the parent said, "Thanks for sharing that. I like how you know what you need and you take care of yourself." In the past, the parent might have labeled the teen. Searching for the positive behind the apparent negative can help you to reinforce behaviors you want to see.
Dr. Pam Garcy authors Psychology Today’s Fearless You Blog, and authored The REBT Super-Activity Guide, that is available on Amazon.com.
This blog is part of a series to celebrate the 100th and 101st year anniversaries of Dr. Albert Ellis’ birth. Ellis is the founder of rational emotive behavioral therapy and the grandfather of cognitive-behavior therapy.
Albert Ellis Revisited (Carlson & Knaus 2013) is the Albert Ellis Tribute Book Series centennial book. The publisher, Routledge, offers a 20% discount on the book. Control click on this link: Albert Ellis Revisited. Type the code Ellis for the discount. The book qualifies for free shipping and handling. Bill Knaus’ royalties from this book go directly to the Denan Project charity. When you buy the book, you are helping yourself by learning ways to live life fully, and you are helping bring irrigation, crops, and health care to destitute areas of the world.
For more information on rational emotive behavior therapy, click on Albert Ellis’ official website: Albert Ellis Network: http://rebtnetwork.org/
For other articles in this centennial (and beyond) Albert Ellis tribute blog series, cut and paste any of the below http links to your server's http request header:
Freedom from Harmful, Negative, Thinking: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201412/freedom-harmful-negative-thinking
Do this One Thing And Stop Procrastinating: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201410/do-o…
Steps to Overcome Public Speaking Anxiety: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201408/step…
When It Comes to Love and Romance, What's Fair? What's Not? : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201408/when…
Three Core Anxieties and How to Calm Them: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201312/thre…
12 Key Ideas for Self-Liberation: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201406/12-k…
Ten Commandments to Stop Quick Ejaculation: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201312/ten-…
13 Tips to Make Self-Help Therapy Work for You: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201401/13-t…
Escape the Guilt Trap: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201312/thre…
5 Mental Traps Relationships Can't Escape: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201404/5-mental-traps-relationships-cant-escape
©
2014
Dr. Pam Garcy
All Rights Reserved
