Good Leaders Don't Tell Themselves Stories

Source: RDNE Stock project/Pexels

We’re on rounds and the resident tells me that Mr. Smith, who is one day post-brain tumor surgery, looks “great.” I walk into the room and notice drooping of Mr. Smith’s right face and a decrement in the fluency of his speech. Minutes later, I have him down in radiology undergoing a CT Scan of the brain to rule out bleeding in the “tumor bed.”

I’m seething. How did the resident miss such obvious signs of potential trouble? She probably hadn’t bothered to examine Mr. Smith this morning. She probably never even laid eyes on him. Yeah, this is probably a function of the all-too-prominent lack of vigilance, lack of attention to detail, lack of caring in our Generation Z trainees. Or, it’s another example of their aversion to interacting with actual human beings. I mean, if something’s not on their phone, it doesn’t exist, right? One way or the other, the resident's going to get an earful from me!

I get home late in the evening and flick the TV to the World War II miniseries, Band of Brothers. In response, my wife frowns and leaves the room. Huh, she was probably planning to subject me to another dose of Masterpiece Theatre. Or, she was expecting me, after the day I had, to take the dog for a walk. She doesn’t care that I’m utterly exhausted.

We all do it, don’t we? In so many of our daily interactions—at work and at home. That little voice in the back of our heads cranks up a narrative about the motivation behind the actions and behaviors of others. And it’s seldom a generous story, one of admiration and respect. No, it’s usually hypercritical, predicated on a lot of uncharitable assumptions.

What if the Stories We Tell Ourselves Are Wrong?

Source: August de Richelieu/Pexels

But what if our stories are erroneous? Perhaps the resident did examine the patient, perhaps several times, vigilantly, but she hasn’t yet developed my eye for neurological nuance. Or perhaps, she was distracted by the twenty other patients she was caring for and their many problems and needs. Or maybe, it was something entirely different, a problem at home, an illness coming on, a bad interaction with a co-worker. The reality is, I have no idea. The reality is, my story is likely to be far from the truth.

And, despite many years of marriage, I have no idea why my wife reacted the way she did. Perhaps she pictured her children someday being subjected to the horrors of war like the young men portrayed in the miniseries, and it distressed and sickened her. Perhaps her mother had called earlier in the day with medical concerns about her father. I can't read her mind, so I just don’t know.

Good Leadership Requires Abandoning the Storytelling

Source: Rebrand Cities/Pexels

The point is, to be an effective leader (and spouse) it’s incumbent on us to toss out any of these unfounded, unvetted stories from our streams of consciousness. They're most often wrong, and they're counterproductive. They alter our objectivity, our impartiality, our frames of reference, our attitudes, our assessments; and risk imperiling our relationships.

And the narrative need not be unkind. We may at times falsely attribute positive motivations, processing, and ideation to those around us. But repeatedly awarding our favor to the undeserving can be a real motivation killer for others on a team and will breed resentment.

Once we start down a path of storytelling—positive or negative—we run the risk of etching our associated attitude into a die that will shape all our future interactions with specific individuals. Once we have affixed such attitudes to our story, we are likely to partake in repeated confirmation bias, only noticing the behaviors and actions that support our assessments and our stories.

Source: charlesdeluvio / Unsplash

Storytelling Kills Our Objectivity

As a leader, it’s important to be non-judgmental about the motivations behind the performances of our teams, to remain as objective as possible—assess performance by their performance. Let the work speak for itself. Focus on effort and outcomes, growth and development. A smattering of positive storytelling may help create a more positive work environment, if you spread it around equally. But as a leader you'll need to be careful about viewing your team through rose colored glasses (as well as dark ones). Realistic, dispassionate performance appraisal is key.

Leadership Essential Reads

Why High-Potential Women Are Ambivalent About Leadership

Why Well-Being Is Foundational to Leading at Your Best

Ask About the Motivations Behind an Action

If the motivation behind an action or behavior of a member of our team is important to us—say, with the resident discussed above—then we need to explore it with them directly. What was the context, what was the thought process, were there mitigating circumstances? In fact, by exploring such things we create valuable teaching opportunities and/or opportunities to detect the early stages of problems.

Source: Mapbox/Unsplash

Similarly, if we delve deeper into outstanding performance, we may come to better understand the multiple co-factors (and people) contributing to the success. We may also be able to glean methodologies and best practices that will optimize overall team performance.

And at home, think of all the misunderstandings, petty arguments, and resentments that might be avoided by learning the actual motivation behind a behavior, rather than adhering to a fallacious story we’ve attached to it.

Ditch the Storytelling

Source: Vladyslav Kuznietsov / Unsplash

We all too often tell ourselves the wrong stories about those with whom we interact. It's as if we've momentarily released our ids from their cages, allowing them to run amok. It’s a maladaptive response to our hectic worlds and so often leads to worse outcomes. Let’s squelch the story telling, lock our ids back up, and focus on facts, not suppositions.