A Back-to-School Letter to Parents of a Neurodivergent Child

Dear Parents of Neurodivergent Children,

Summer is ending, and it’s time for a moment many parents and kids dread – back to school. My original plan was to share tips on how to transition your child back to the routine and structure of school. However, as I sat down to write, I was haunted by memories of what back to school meant to me as a parent of a neurodivergent child. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this anxiety-provoking feeling (but I always felt alone), and so instead, I want to share a different type of message – a vulnerable and raw take on my own parenting experiences, in the hopes you feel validated and can prepare for the new school season as best you can.

My anxiety always bubbled up around this time of year. At times, it caused nightmares as I asked myself, “Will this year be the year my child finally connects to a teacher who is supportive and motivating?” or “Will this be the same old story where I get a call that my child did something wrong?” My mind would flood with thoughts of teachers having preconceived notions about my neurodivergent child, wondering if they had a problematic "monster" on their hands. The first day of school conjures images of my child at different stages in school: a teacher taking away candy from a second grader or a ninth grader getting into trouble for dropping her pencil and taking too long to pick it up. It brings out a level of anxiety that I didn’t know was possible as a parent of a neurotypical child. I never experienced these feelings with my other children, and that always made me feel so guilty – but these feelings are valid. I had experiences with my neurodivergent child’s schooling that I never had with my other children. I recall a time my neurodivergent child’s fifth-grade teacher told me she would get rid of her learning disability through “tough love” and thought it was ok to yell to “get her attention.” I quickly spoke up and had this toxic teacher removed from my child’s life. As parents, you know when you need to get involved and stay involved. And you know when to take a step back and let the teacher handle a situation. Trust your gut.

I write this to share that you are not alone. Many parents are feeling this heightened anxiety right now, so my advice to you is this: Read columns with tips on how to smooth the transition back to school for your neurodivergent child. Those columns, with goals like moving back to a regular bedtime so your child goes to sleep earlier every night or starting to limit screen time, are great to hear every year as a reminder. But take heart and know that you are not alone if you don’t reach those goals. Remember to take a moment to breathe. Realize that you can educate the teacher on how to best work with your child, share what motivates them and what works to control behaviors, and offer to partner with the teacher to do what you can to ensure a successful collaboration. Answer their calls, listen to them when there is an issue, don’t get defensive, and never let a teacher ruin your relationship with your child. Don’t believe the negativity; always remember the amazing characteristics and reasons why you love your child. You are your child’s advocate, most fierce defender, and mama or papa bear.

Always love your child. Together, you will make it through another school year.

All my best,

Lisa