Healthy Collaborative Relationships Require Effort and Know-How

Source: Tamanna Rumee/Unsplash

Collaborations rely on relationships. And let’s face it: Relationships are hard. Therefore, collaborations are hard.

And as one organizational leader I interviewed observed, “Anything that would be a problem in any other kind of relationship will be a problem in a workplace setting; anything that will throw off a relationship will throw off a collaboration.” Bingo.

No doubt, healthy relationships require effort.

Close relationships expert Arthur Aron (father of the 36 questions that lead to interpersonal closeness and my Ph.D. advisor) shared the following story at my wedding. Imagine two people deciding to open a bakery together. They come up with a great name for their store. Buy all the fanciest supplies and the best ingredients. They determine which treats will fill their shelves. And they hang a stunning sign outside their store proclaiming that they are open for business.

But that’s where the effort stops. They don’t hire a skilled baker. They don’t advertise. They don’t get feedback from their customers. They don’t introduce themselves to other business owners in the neighborhood.

The result? The business fails, of course. Because businesses, like relationships, take effort and know-how.

The Problem With Learning by Osmosis

Just as very few of us ever receive any formal training in how to be an incredible spouse (or parent or friend), few of us ever receive any professional development to be an incredible collaborator. Despite the complexity of social relationships, we’re essentially expected to either know how to do them or to figure them out as we go along. Learn by osmosis: sink or swim.

When it comes to building collaborations, some workplaces “get” that we need to do more ground setting than merely proclaiming, “Go forth and collaborate!” For example, the executive team might (might!) put in place processes and tools for determining the vision, managing the project logistics, and ensuring the right skills are around the table or in the Zoom room.

But, while those process and tool elements are great and very much needed, some workplaces all but ignore the most critical element of a successful collaboration: the people. As a result, many people who haven't learned how to collaborate end up trying to collaborate with a bunch of other people who haven't learned how to collaborate well. Is it any wonder collaborations so often jump off the rails, fall flat, or otherwise underperform expectations?

People are messy, complicated, and unpredictable. It might seem easier to focus on creating tidy new processes and or purchasing shiny new tools as a way to improve collaborations. But if you really want to make your collaborations sparkle, you must improve the relationships among the people.

Collaboration Skills Are Learnable, and Relationship Science Can Help

Thank goodness, this stuff is learnable. Just as I wish every parent took parenting classes and every couple, throuple, and more invested in relationship counseling, I also wish every person who ever works with other people–in other words, the vast majority of people in the workforce–could benefit from professional development aimed at improving their collaborative relationships.

It's not rocket science, but it is relationship science. If you want your collaborative relationships to thrive, there are better and worse things to do.