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One of the reasons why some people choose to withdraw from the dating scene is that they have become tired of disappointing others. They simply reason they will either end up getting hurt or feel the discomfort of watching another person for whom they may have some feelings suffer. They observe that often their dates start to care substantially about themselves, and they don’t reciprocate the feeling.
A person's gender may also impact how they respond romantically. Some research suggests that men know within three dates that they could get serious. For women, the number of dates is judged to be 14.
Some individuals are so witty, attractive, etc., that others are inclined to fall for them. These resourceful people can be sensitive and don’t want to mislead or hurt someone. They don’t want their friendship to be misread because their companions want more from them. Some can’t accept or believe that because they care, like, or lust so much about another who doesn’t feel the same. This awkwardness can make those who are doing the disappointing wonder if they are sending the wrong message and how responsible they are for the other’s reaction: "Am I just a tease? Do I even know that I'm flirting? Is there something wrong with me?"
Case scenario
It was scary for Theresa, an attractive, personable, vibrant woman to reorient to dating again. People were attracted to her because of her personality, appearance, and style. Men who began to date her were frequently bowled over, and several proposed before the third date. She saw this as somewhat flattering, but she genuinely disliked the pressure she experienced.
If she acted like a good friend, she could be accused of leading them on. She enjoyed, on initial dates, giving small, unique, fun gifts and listening empathetically to their problems. She became aware that many made more of this than was intended. She deliberately didn't want to lead people on by promising to do exciting activities weeks or months in advance.
What did Theresa need to learn? Therapy helped her realize she could often become co-dependent. She took responsibility for people's actions over which she really had no control. Simply, she realized the only adult person she was responsible for was herself.
She didn't want to take responsibility for others. If they acted rejected, it was their problem. She certainly wasn't rejecting. She didn’t lie or make false promises.
She strongly affected men, but it wasn’t her fault that others wanted to have a deeper, longer-lasting relationship. She stopped seeing them as fragile and respected them enough to not worry about she impacted them. They were responsible for themselves and had to figure things out for themselves. If they got hurt, and she had been honest, it wasn’t her fault.
In order to remain sane while dating, you have to be able at times to disappoint others. If you are a "people pleaser," you may place yourself in very self-defeating situations unless you can. Others can consciously or unconsciously realize this vulnerability and manipulate you to compromise yourself (by doing what you really don't want to do and shouldn't do).
Some people set themselves up to get hurt and to feel like they are relationship victims. Is this your problem? We'll focus on this in a later blog.
