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Is jealousy a normal feeling in a relationship?
Brian, a happily married man, worked at a local college campus. His wife,Lori, insisted that he not look at the co-eds. She had him place dots on trees and buildings so that as he walked across campus, he would look from dot to dot and not maintain eye contact with anyone.
Is this is a case of over the top jealousy and/or Lori being paranoid?
Many feel there is something wrong if they feel jealous. Jealousy is even regarded as one of the seven deadly sins. If I could order my feeling on a daily menu like I order breakfast at the diner, I would certainly leave jealousy off my list. But, I believe that if you are in a love relationship, feeling jealousy is absolutely normal. In fact, if you don't feel jealous, either you are one of the most psychologically fit and secure people, or you are in denial about your having a personal flaw.
Here are the three common jealousy causes and how to overcome them.
1.You are in need of warmth and affection.
Who isn't? Have you met someone who couldn't tolerate having another friend? Most of us could expand our support networks. Unless you enjoy being a hermit or feeling isolated, most feel empty if they aren't socially connected. The way around this is to create a rich support system. The more support systems you have, the less needy you can be.
2. You have a supplier whose supply you really like.
This should be your partner. This is what differentiates him/her from everyone else. It's a special relationship. If they were to withdraw or disappear you would miss them or feel jealous of anyone or anything that is getting their undivided attention instead.
If you get hysterical because your partner gives some of their precious supply to another, perhaps, you should look at your sense of entitlement and whether you are practicing the religion of "meism." When you do this you basically are frustrated if others don't cater to satisfying your needs. You have to learn to be considerate of your partner's needs.
3. You PERCEIVE them giving to another.
What's considered to be giving to another can range wildly. It can vary from from walking in on your partner "smooshing" on the living room floor with another, to becoming upset because they are texting or talking to another. There is a continuum of what you perceive. Some can't stand their partner even looking at another person of the opposite sex.
This is where jealousy can cross the line into paranoia. Some hold what appears to be a delusion, a false belief they can't be argued out of. They seem to expect rejection and want to be on the look-out for possible signs of it coming. They often claim their partner is a liar and want them to account for what is done every minute of the day. Delays getting home are met with accusations. Demands are made to allow access to email, text and phone messages, and searchs of drawers, cars, and desks can be common.
It is the extreme nature of this activity that differentiates it from jealousy. The perpetrator thinks they are justified because the other they believe has lied or done something to challenge their trust. There has been no forgiveness. There is an extreme demand for accountability where no real infraction, like an affair, has occurred.( How to survive an affair was discussed here in an earlier blog post.)
Often, people who are under a constant barrage of accusations aren't or can't be completely forthcoming. They can't tell the complete story because, like the Jack Nicholson character in A Few Good Men said..." you can't stand hearing the truth." They know if they disclose they joined co-workers at lunch, some who were attractive members of the opposite sex, there would be an explosion.
The more secure you are, the less panicked you may be by seeing your partner socialize with another. Focus on building your self-confidence and esteem and you'll see a tremendous improvement in your relationship. If you deep down, suspect you may cross that line, please, talk to a licensed professional to sort this out.
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