Authentic Dating Profiles: Who You Really Are

Over the last couple of decades, my patients have often brought me hopeful dating profiles to ask me for my responses before they further investigate. Everything seems so inviting, but are there red flags they might be missing? How can they discern what is true from what is exaggerated or misleading?

Because my patients end up actually dating some of these people, I have had the wonderful opportunity to see who they turn out to be from who they’ve said they are.

Not surprisingly, their profiles rarely match up with who they turn out to be. They’ve shared what they think will be the most alluring and interesting parts of themselves and their lives, but any potentially negative descriptions or situations are rarely described.

It is understandable that many dating app users hope their more attractive qualities will attract and secure the relationship before those less so emerge. Unfortunately, that sequence often leads to disappointment and disillusionment when those withheld qualities are discovered.

So, what is a better way to avoid the tricky game of honest but alluring presentation on your dating app? What would you need to do to share who you really are with an absolute stranger in a way that makes you more believable and authentic? How can you successfully let people know what they are likely to experience when they get to know you in a way that is appealing on its own merits?

How to Recognize and Present a Successful but Honest Dating Profile

1. Acknowledge and respect what you offer and what you cost. Everyone has parts of themselves that they are proud of and parts that they wish were better. With each succeeding relationship, it is crucial to learn more about that package. What made the relationship end? What did you find out about yourself and the other person that you could not have predicted? Were you to date them again, would you act differently?

Here’s an interesting exercise. Just for a moment, imagine that everyone you’ve ever been in a relationship with is in the same room at the same time, and there is truth serum coming out of the walls. They are willing to talk openly about what they liked about you and what they couldn’t handle long-term.

You’re looking for overlaps amongst their descriptions of you and whether that information helps you decide if, or what, you want to change about yourself in the future. Do you think that you would be surprised at both the positive and negative memories shared?

Once you have a better grip on that data, here would be an example of how you might change your profile:

I’ve had some great relationships and some not so much so. Don’t want to blame the people I chose and prefer to look hard at myself and what I need to change to be the best person I can be. What you can count on is that I’m funny, honest, reliable, adventuresome (well, sort of), loyal, and usually pretty interesting.

I can be a little sarcastic when I don’t know how to be more direct, but I’m working on it. I probably expect a lot from the people I love and don’t do well with disappointment. All in all, though, I’d say my good friends think I’m a catch. Hope you will feel that way, too.

2. Be realistic about what you’re asking for in a partner. Knowing that your prospective date is likely to leave out anything that might be controversial, how can you talk about what you want so that it gives that person room to be honest? Do you think that you could deliver what you think that person is asking for? Are you reaching for a fantasy you can’t sustain?

Here's an example of this kind of presentation:

I can be caught up in romantic fantasy, but I also know what is realistic and can accept that. I know what I have to offer, what I need, and what my deal breakers are. At the same time, I’m a truly forgiving person if someone is working on their own past mistakes and needs my support.

I’m not into saving someone or needing to be saved, but I truly respect someone who is not afraid to talk about their struggles and is open about their flaws. I regularly ask myself if the person I want would want me. It’s a tough question, but I don’t back away from it.

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3. Present the reality of who you are with self-compassion and respect. No matter where you are in your life or where your sorrows and triumphs lay, you have the best chance of finding the person you can love and be loved by if you have respect and compassion for your journey.

No matter how successful, I have never known someone whose relationships don’t have heartbreaks and disappointments. It’s how you come through them and who you become as you process those lessons. No one wants to be responsible for healing trauma they did not create, but most quality people just want to know that you like who you are.

Example:

My relationship journey has taught me so much about others and what it takes to create a great relationship and keep it that way. I’ve had to look hard at my history, what I bring to the table, and what I’ve had to jettison.

All in all, I’ve grown to value myself more with each new opportunity to listen and learn, and I’ll do that all of my life. I want to be forever interesting and interested in how people love and create beautiful connections with others.

Compare these examples to the profiles you usually read or the ones you’ve written. Would you be more likely to believe that person is telling the truth about who they are? Would they intrigue you beyond the altered pictures and incomplete or exaggerated positives?

If you click with someone, you will have plenty of time to find out about their favorite music, places to visit, relationship history, hobbies, health status, obligations to others, etc. A profile should let a person know who you truly are, not what you’ve done.