Are You Still Dealing With Your Older Sibling?

One of the greatest influences in a person's life is the impact a sibling makes. It is the role in the family with a quest for identity that develops many of the interpersonal skills we have and the goals we set for ourselves. Alfred Adler used a number of assessments for the "inferiority complexes" and quests for "power" in the family unit as the basis for personality development.

There are many practical reasons for the validation of these principles. It is in this environment we learn comparisons of our capacities and limitations, especially how we can excel. It is also the place where we can find our personal emotional needs met when we have to compete for our parents' attention and comfort.

It is through these early competitions and comparisons we begin to label our self concept with specific characteristics, such as stubborn, brave, weak, strong, smart, etc. Although the number of our comparison group (siblings) is usually not large, it is the critical times and crucial relationships that we may remember throughout our lives. It is indeed lucky to have a nurturing brother or sister because they can structure our future relationships with the opposite sex forever, breaking or nurturing marriages for a lifetime. For example, when two first-borns marry, there are high probabilities of conflict possible because they were both raised to take charge and not share responsibilities.

For the most part, these sibling relationships can also be the basis for our working relationships as well. Leadership qualities vary to the extent those skills have been substantiated by early sibling experiences. For example, first born children are usually most comfortable with leadership positions; whereas, middle-borns are often more comfortable with non-leadership roles.

The question always arises when you are having problems is: Is this challenge being raised because of your early relationships with your siblings? As a consultant to many business firms over the years, I can testify that in most cases these early issues continue to manifest themselves, both positively and negatively throughout life.

I recommend that you evaluate your own life with the following questionnaire to determine if you are having issues with siblings and hindering some performance in your life. I would especially encourage you if you are facing conflict in your marriage or dealing with the conflicts as a parent.

Answer each of these items based on your immediate attitude and feeling, as to (I) Intense feelings (enough to interfere with goals in life), (S) Significant emotions (enough to relate to being upset at times but not interfering with life, (A) Aware of feelings, but not upset by them, (N) No emotions even if aware or not evident.

1. Which of you has been the smartest? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

2. Which of you has made the better grades? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

3. Which of you has been the better athlete? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

4. Which of you has been more popular? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

5. Which of you has been the better charmer? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

6. Which of you has been better looking? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

7. Which of you has received the most honors? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

8. Which of you has been the luckiest? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

9. Which of you has been the most successful? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

Family Dynamics Essential Reads

Enhancing Family Connections in Donor Conception

With Love to My (Childless) Aunts

10. Which of you has had the best of everything? ______________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

11. Which of you has been Father's favorite? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

12. Which of you has been Mother's favorite? ________________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

13. Which of you was liked the most by the family? _____________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

14. Which of you has been given the most praise? ______________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

15. Which of you has been given the most things? ______________
How do you feel about that comparison?
Intense (S) Significant (A) Aware (N) No emotions

Scoring: For each Intense response (I) give a score of 3. For each Significant (S) score, give a score of 2, and for each Aware (A) score, give a score of 1. Sum all 15 items for a total score in the range from 0 to 45 and compare your score to the range interpretations below:

34 - 45 Your sibling rivalry is very intense and is probably causing
some issues interfering with your long term happiness.

24 - 33 Your sibling rivalry is strong and may be causing stress in
your relationships in general or your job satisfaction.

11 - 23 Your sibling rivalry is apparent although unlikely to be a
major influence on your life in general, although has the
potential to become significant to specific events.

0 - 10 Your sibling rivalry is probably not a significant interference
in your life.

Discussion

Whatever you concluded in the assessment of sibling influence on your present life struggle does not mean you have to carry this issue around with you the rest of your life. However, as I said, there are always positives and negatives to any impact by anyone. But the responsibilities for facing and disarming the negative issues are not those of the sibling history, but yours.

As is always the case, learning is motivated by irritation and the results of learning are the next steps in your development. First comes the awareness and then the consequences in rational terms of what they mean to your self concepts and the ramifications of self esteem. But for those myths or actual events of destructive relationships, such as molestation and deliberate undermining of self development, there remains forgiveness. By what is meant by forgiveness is not condoning or endorsing the act or intention, but by releasing the emotional bonds. It can be the greatest freedom you can give yourself.