Schizophrenia and Hallucinations

I was sitting on a park bench on my former university campus on January 2006, when my hallucinations began. I began to hear a chorus of children’s voices very far away. They told me I was a “homeless hoodlum” a hundred times, perhaps a thousand times, again and again in my mind. It was like a painful stimulus.

Then the voices changed and complimented me on achieving a perfect score on my SAT college entrance exam. It is true that during high school I had scored high marks, but in reality, I had fallen short of perfect. They told me that I was fluent in Chinese, but in reality, I had only an elementary proficiency.

Then the voices began to confirm my delusions. They spoke about my future husband who they said was handsome, wealthy, powerful, and eagerly waiting to meet me. They said I would meet him after my required period of homelessness had miraculously ended, which they affirmed it would.

I expected that one night an airplane might land near the churchyard where I was sleeping every night, pick me up, and take me to another city or perhaps another country. I would begin a new life as the next Mother Teresa, and the wife of the man of my dreams.

In my mind, the voices of a little boy and a little girl, who were part of the choir I was hearing, became more distinct. Months later, I would begin to hear the voice of my future husband, assuring me that he was coming soon.

After the voices initially began I was taking a shower at a friend’s house. Suddenly I heard three men making rude and insulting comments. I knew they could see me because of their specific remarks. I stepped out of the shower to see the three men through the bathroom window and realized there was no window. I looked for a sunroof, but there was none. After a few minutes, I realized no one could see me and there were no men.

I lived in a world of delusions and hallucinations that became more severe in the following weeks and months. One day, I saw the name of the college library where I spent much of my time had been changed by one letter. Weeks later, I looked into a mirror and saw an alarming version of my face morphed together with the cartoon character Lisa Simpson.

When I tried to read books, I noticed that words were underlined once, twice, or three times. I found this incredibly distracting. I remember picking up other books only to find the same bizarre and unpredictable patterns of underlining. In about two months, I no longer knew what day it was. I could no longer check the date of a newspaper without hallucinating.

On a Wednesday night in 2006, I believed it was one week before Thanksgiving. However, during a conversation, I discovered that the holiday would be the next day. I had become disoriented and detached from reality.

Through all of this, I strongly resolved to never mention the voices and the imaginary visions to any other person. I told myself that everyone else refrained from speaking about the things they imagined, saw, and heard. I would too. I convinced myself that hallucinations were normal and common.

Eventually, I was picked up by police for screaming back at the voices and transported to a psychiatric ward, but I firmly believed I was not mentally ill. My strong resolve to keep my experiences a secret remained unchanged. Even though I clung to my belief that I was not hearing voices, I was diagnosed as totally and permanently disabled due to schizophrenia. That was it. It seemed my life was done.

Fortunately, today, there is even hope for people with the most severe and treatment-resistant forms of schizophrenia. Initially, during my recovery experience, I endured 12 months of uncomfortable side effects trying many medications which offered me little relief from my symptoms. It can be challenging to find just the right medication to effectively address the specific needs of each individual, but it is crucial to not give up trying.

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After twelve months, my new doctor prescribed an underutilized medication. Over time, my hallucinations disappeared, and I regained a quiet mind. As my recovery progressed I was able to return to college. Two years later, I earned my degree in molecular biology and graduated with honors.

I learned to never give up on any person, even if they have an experience like mine. Today, there is more hope than ever before thanks to newer treatments and medications.

In 2018, I am celebrating 10 years in full recovery from severe schizophrenia.