How to Zero Out Your Relationship Negativity

Source: Norberto Estaves / Wikimedia Commons

Living with someone is hard, and once the romantic glow wears off the relationship luster and you start taking each other for granted, it’s easy to let bad habits creep into your conversations and ways of interacting with each other. Left unchecked, these bad habits can crowd out what was positive in your connection, like weeds running amok in an untended garden, choking off the goodness and vitality of your partnership.

There’s a simple exercise to fix this that I learned from two of my teachers, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy. They described just such a situation in their own marriage, which had the added poignant irony that they both were respected teachers in the relationship field (Dr. Hendrix appeared more than 20 times on Oprah, and she referred to him as the “relationship whisperer”). They spoke of their frustration and heartache at being able to teach others how to connect while struggling to do it themselves. The “Zero Negativity” exercise I’m about to describe was born of the desperation they were feeling.

While this exercise can be employed by anyone at any time, I recommend it to couples who find themselves mired in a negative cycle of recrimination, criticism, and complaint with each other. It is not insight-based, it does not give a hoot about your childhood wounds, it doesn’t teach you how to make “I statements,” validate, empathize, or anything. It is simply an exercise to hold you accountable for what comes out of your mouth when you’re talking to your partner.

Here’s what you need

Find a paper calendar you can hang someplace prominent, like on your kitchen wall or refrigerator, some gold stars you can stick on to the calendar when you have a successful day, and a willingness from both partners to try this for at least one week, with an option to renew at the end of that week.

Here’s how it works

You and your partner agree to practice “zero negativity.” This means that you will say nothing negative to your partner under any circumstances. If the two of you are successful for a full day, you put a gold star on your calendar for that day.

You can decide ahead of time on a relationship treat you will give yourselves for achieving milestones, such as a full week of gold stars or a full month. I know it can sound a little juvenile to be giving out gold stars, but the part of us that is sniping and criticizing is quite young and responds well to gold stars, so it’s important you do it.

What counts as something negative?

I’m glad you asked that question because it’s very important. If you say something and your partner says, “Ouch,” it’s negative. You don’t get to argue about it; you don’t get to say they’re being too sensitive, or you didn’t mean it like that, or they say similar things to you, or anything. If your partner says, “Ouch,” you’ve been negative. It’s that simple. It’s good for you to learn how what you say lands on the other side.

Drs. Hendrix and LaKelly-Hunt joke—I think—that when they started this exercise, they couldn’t say anything to each other for three months because they were so stuck in old patterns that everything would come out negative. So be patient with yourselves, stick to it, and see if it doesn’t help you put a spoke in the wheels of the bad communication patterns that have been spinning out of control in your relationship.

I’ve seen this exercise work repeatedly with couples who were really stuck. It can give your relationship some breathing space so you can reset it on a more positive footing.