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“It’s a gift to exist. It’s a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering.”
The quote above is not from a great philosopher. It is from comedian and television host Stephen Colbert. Really.
Colbert participated in a profoundly moving interview with journalist Anderson Cooper that played out, in part, like a window into a group therapy session.
Colbert and Cooper have both experienced tremendous and traumatic loss. They talk about their losses and shared experiences in this interview. Because Colbert has played a journalist on TV, it’s also a bit of a co-interview, with Colbert asking Cooper questions about himself as well. It is intimate, emotional, and very real. It is, as a commenter on the YouTube video said, “a profound conversation between two friends.
Colbert’s father and two of his brothers died in a plane crash when Colbert was 10 years old; Cooper also lost his father at age 10 and more recently lost his mother, and this loss is clearly very much with him in this conversation.
Colbert finds solace via his faith, which he discusses in the interview. This quote is from a part of the conversation focused on faith, and comes right after Cooper, holding back tears, quotes Colbert back to himself: “‘What punishments of God are not gifts?’ and asks, “Do you really believe that?”
“It’s a gift to exist,” caught me, likely in a similar way that “What punishments of God are not gifts?” caught Cooper. It made me think, question, pause.
It is a struggle to exist, many would say. Colbert, and others, reframe the struggle as the gift— existence is suffering, yes, but existence is also all we have.
In this month, National Suicide Prevention Month, Colbert’s statement made me think of people who survive suicide attempts.
I’ve written before about Live Through This, and I’d like to share some of the voices of people who’ve attempted suicide as part of increasing understanding about suicide.
A prior suicide attempt is a top risk factor for death by suicide. If a person has considered suicide before and followed through with an attempt, they are not protected from future attempts, but more at risk for future attempts. It sounds logical, but it is profound to reflect on it, and this is why suicide attempt survivors are so important to learn from when we consider what we can do to prevent suicide. Attempt survivors are people who have gone to the depths of the depths, and come back, not necessarily by their own choice.
Stella Shoff survived a suicide attempt, talked about it as part of Live Through This, and died by suicide recently. Here are her words:
“I don’t think humans are supposed to have that much struggle. I don’t know if it’s genetic—if it’s nature or nurture. But I’ve been around long enough to know that enough of us do.”
Shoff’s point is one that Colbert makes as well: Experiencing suffering allows you to realize that suffering is universal—we all go through it. Remembering the universality of this experience allows us to be open to supporting others, or as Colbert says, “be the most human I can be.”
Being “the most human” means acknowledging another’s suffering, connecting, and loving in a deep way.
Jess Stohlmann-Rainey survived a suicide attempt and speaks out about being a “good suicide attempt survivor”
“If you’re a good attempt survivor, then you’ll wake up from your suicide attempt and you’re like, ‘Oh my god, I didn’t mean to. All of the things that I thought were unsolvable are totally solvable. Everything’s going to be fine.’ … You say, ‘I’m going to get better,’ and you do. You go to your appointments and you take your meds and do the whole mental health thing, and you never… struggle again. That’s a good suicide attempt survivor. You have your [stuff] together.
If you’re a bad suicide attempt survivor, maybe you tried to kill yourself because you wanted to get back at someone else, or it was connected to a breakup, or you are going to attempt suicide like five or six more times, or once a month, for the rest of your life. Maybe you’re manipulative in the system, like you’re trying to get medications, or you’re trying to make sure you have a place to sleep, so you’re in and out of the hospital all the time. Maybe you use some government assistance or something, but you just never get better. You’re never well again.
There’s this dichotomy, and you have to be one or the other. It forces people into this place where they have to pretend to be a good suicide attempt survivor, which people really aren’t. Nobody’s like that all the time. We don’t expect people who don’t have a diagnosis to feel good every day, but f..., if you’ve attempted suicide and you have a bad day, you’re doing something wrong, especially if you have a bad day in public.
We get forced into this space where we have to pretend that we’re well. We’re not allowed to be unwell.”
Stohlmann-Rainey puts forward a different way of thinking about “prevention:”
“We can make a better world, and we focus on the wrong stuff, so then we end up doing all of these interventions that are about controlling a person and controlling their choice, instead of making it a choice that they don’t need to make.
I believe more in creating a world where we’re mitigating the life circumstances that make people feel that way.”
I believe in that world, too, and I imagine Stephen Colbert, working hard to be “the most human,” might have some ideas on how we can do that.
Copyright 2019 Elana Premack Sandler, All Rights Reserved
