How to Persuade Your Reluctant Teen

Do you have issues with getting your teen to listen to you? Does your teen present with significant mental health issues that have you concerned? Have you tried to no avail getting your teen to get the help he or she needs with no success?

In this post, I am going to discuss with you an effective technique for getting your teen to listen to you. First, getting your teen to listen to you has nothing to do with you cultivating your teen towards becoming the person you desire he or she to become. Our children, while related to us, are different from us and unique. A good example would be insisting your teen study and pursue a career in a specific profession against his or her wishes. Most parents who take this route, fail in getting their teens to bend to their wishes.

Ideally, what you want for your son or daughter is to be disciplined in thriving in his or her endeavors. In my practice it is not uncommon for me to encounter saddened and frustrated parents who are experiencing difficulties getting their sons and daughters to buy into and commit to receiving help for their issues. When I have listened to the details of these parents’ complaints, it has boiled down to both the parent and teen having different conversations with each other about the same issue.

Take for example, a teen who struggles with anxiety. During the past year, his anxiety has become so bad that you as a parent have noticed that he no longer has friends come over to the home, nor does he leave to home to spend time with any of his friends. When you ask him about what you have observed, he simply grunts and ignores you. Then there is the matter of his grades, as you have come to notice that during the past year he has dropped from an A and B average to a B and C average. Now, this is where most parents will typically draw the line and confront the teen. At which point, the teen becomes aggravated and stops communicating about these issues. Some parents having experienced several failed attempts to address the matter with their teen, will schedule an appointment a with therapist. Most of the time when they do this, they will omit to inform their teen about the scheduled appointment, for fear of running into another conflict which they would most likely lose. Then on the day of the scheduled appointment, they inform the teen that his has an appointment, which then leads to a battery of questions from the teen. The teen now aggravated and feeling that he is being ill treated and taken for granted, announces that he will not be attending the appointment, which leads the frustrated parent back to square one.

There is an effective strategy parents in this situation can use to find common ground with their teen. This strategy is not manipulation, nor does it involve any need for the parent to enforce any disciplinary action. This strategy is simply about finding out what your teen wants.

As simple as this strategy is, it is something that is most likely very difficult for the teen, as he or she may be experiencing one of two things. First, your teen may not know what he or she wants at all and may be simmering in a ball of overwhelm and confusion. Second, your teen may be very aware of what he or she wants but may be at a loss on how to go about getting what he or she wants.

Regardless of which case applies to your teen, go about asking him or her the simple question, “what do you want?” What’s more important than this question is the timing and situation during which you ask this question. Do not ask this question after an argument or quarrel, rather you want to ask this question when your teen is in the best possible mood you have seen him or her in a long time. It is also important to note that you also must be in a good mood yourself. You also shouldn’t bother faking it, as your teen has most likely become very adept at reading you. This means that all issues which bring about back talks and episodes of defiance should be temporarily quashed for at least a week.

So, when you ask your teen about what he or she wants from his or her life moving forward, you want to explain your concerns, regarding your observations about his or her struggles. This needs to be communicated without judgement. Regardless of where your teen is on the spectrum of not knowing what he or she wants, to knowing but not knowing how to get what he or she wants, you will become pleasantly surprised to your teen’s willingness to open to you about his or her concerns.

It is also important to remember to avoid coming across as someone who has the answers, (even though you do,). You want to get your teen to buy in and commit to a process of getting his or her life back on track, for preparation for his or her successful future. There lies the power of this strategy, teens often do think about their future, and those who struggle often experience a lot of stress about what their future might be.

Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.