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Key points
- Envy is an uncomfortable emotion that people tend to want to suppress.
- When we envy someone we may reflexively dislike or criticize them, instead of examining ourselves.
- Envy can be a useful indication of our own dreams and desires for life.
Are there people whose social feeds make you envious? There’s nothing like social media to hijack your mind and heart on an otherwise perfectly good day, by reminding you of what’s missing from your life.
I’ve written before about how to manage such triggers and stop comparing yourself to others. Recently, though, I gained another layer of perspective on envy, while listening to an episode of Jessi Hempel’s Hello Monday podcast, featuring podcaster and author Elise Loehnen.
They discuss Loehnen’s recently released book, On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good. Loehnen describes envy as that feeling we get “when we want something that someone else has for themselves.” It’s a “dark” emotion that many women experience and tend to suppress, because it feels so uncomfortable and wrong. Hempel admits that she doesn’t like to acknowledge envy in herself, and would probably even deny it outright if asked about her true feelings toward someone.
Loehnen describes a pivotal conversation with therapist and author Lori Gottlieb, which became the seed for her book. In her clinical work, Gottlieb tells patients and clients to pay attention to their envy, because it shows them what they want. Women in particular may not pay attention to this, because we’re often uncomfortable with emotions that we feel are unacceptable.
I’ve been teaching about this for years, from a slightly different perspective, when writing and speaking about strategies for cultivating passion and purpose. I tell people to watch out for people or situations that make them feel envious, as these may hold clues to things that they themselves feel passionately about. If you see someone doing something that annoys you or makes you feel resentful and envious, ask yourself whether it’s something that you need to start pursuing and doing.
The new layer that took my breath away was Loehnen’s insight into how women tend to treat other women in our culture. According to data, women are surprisingly hard on each other. We struggle to vote for other women and are tough on other women in the workplace, possibly even harder on each other than our male colleagues.
Loehnen shares her experience of seeing another woman doing something that she wanted for herself, such as writing books or succeeding in thought leadership. She would find herself looking for reasons to criticize her. Can you relate?
This hit me hard. I notice this on social media, where I’m connected to colleagues who are doing things that I long to do and experience. Sometimes my reactions are so intense that I’ll mute someone’s feed. If it hits a particularly sore point, I react as Loehnen describes: I’ll criticize them in my mind (or out loud, if someone is around to listen) to make myself feel better.
Now, curating your social feeds to minimize triggering inputs can be a proactive way of protecting your mental health. I still recommend doing it. But, there may be an even better way forward.
Loehnen realized that when she had one of those “I don’t like her” moments, it was actually "undiagnosed envy." That woman was “pushing on a dream” that she had for herself.
What do we do, if we allow ourselves to see this?
Hempel has an answer: “Where are the tools that allow me…to rise to the challenge of getting fully behind them? Because actually, getting fully behind them is the way that I support myself in wanting that thing.”
This. This is the breakthrough. Those whom we envy can be pointers toward what we long to — and even need to — accomplish with our lives. They represent what’s possible. They have gone before us. They have done the hard things, and have found or created the opportunities. And we need to get behind them, with our whole hearts.
For women who tend to envy and feel competitive with other women, this represents a pivot toward celebration, rather than opposition. We need to support and celebrate others who are doing great things. Even if — and perhaps especially if — we envy them.
This concept resonates with every cell of my body. It is the right response.
I have now stopped muting my feed when someone pushes my “I wish I could do that” or “why does she get to do that but I don’t” buttons. Instead, I take a moment to celebrate with them in my mind and heart. I tap on the heart button. I leave an encouraging or celebratory comment. I find myself journaling more often, again, about my own hopes and dreams.
It feels so good. And it feels like the truest, healthiest response to the accomplishments of others, especially those of other women.
