How the Non-Controlling Narcissist Works

Narcissists are often thought of as possessive and controlling. They want to know where you are going, who you are with, and what you are doing, at all times. Yet, there is a type of narcissist out there that utilizes a different tactic to gain control. In fact, this type of partner may seem like they could care less about your whereabouts. Yet, the type of control they seek may be just as dangerous.

Utilizing a cycle of idealization (love-bombing) and devaluation (emotional abandonment), the covert narcissist makes you believe that you are “their person,” and that no one else in their life is as “special” as you. They make it seem like you are everything to them.

Yet, one day, things change. Instead of a continual stream of fun, chatty, and flirty texts and interactions, there’s silence. The drastic drop in communication is alarming, and you attempt to reach them by texting and calling, yet there is no response. At first, you worry that they have been in an accident, but then you see them posting on social media. Your heart races and your head swims.

You panic and wonder, “Did I do something wrong?” Racking your brain, you review every recent conversation and interaction with them. Although you cannot think of anything, the feeling that you have lost their affection is overwhelming.

Two days later, you finally get a message. “Hey, what’s up?” The casual tone of the text, compared to the intense emotional turmoil you have experienced as a result of their sudden and unexplained detachment, leaves you dumbfounded. You text back and ask why they have not responded to you. They reply, “I was busy at work and with my friends.” Upset, you ask them why they didn’t, at least, check-in, and they immediately act disgusted. They indicate that they do not appreciate the “pressure” and imply that you are insecure.

As you attempt to explain your perspective, they act annoyed and lack empathy for how you feel. You are desperate to regain the love that was lost, so you ask, “Did I do something wrong?” They chuckle and say, “Honestly, I think you spend way too much time with your sister. It’s irritating. It’s like you guys never grew up.” Flabbergasted and embarrassed, you wonder if the feedback is correct. After some self-reflection, you decide that you do, actually, talk to her a lot, and that your partner may have a point. You vow to spend less time with your sister.

As the relationship proceeds, you constantly monitor yourself to ensure that you are doing what your partner wants. You rush to placate and appease them because you cannot risk the anguish of being emotionally abandoned again. It hurts too much. You may not even realize the control that you are surrendering because the manipulation is insidious, and your partner blames you.

In this scenario, the covert partner gains emotional control by using a cycle of idealization and devaluation. They love-bomb you, and it can be intoxicating. The new love may feel more special than anything you have experienced before. Yet, one day, they disappear and pull their attention, affection, and love away, and you are thrown off balance. As you clamor to restore the love, they subtly indicate that they dislike your investment in certain things. Unfortunately, these are the things that are usually precious to you.

The covert narcissist slowly manipulates you into sacrificing these things for the sake of the relationship. Over time, you may give up almost everything that is important to you, including friends, relatives, hobbies, passions, and pursuits. The covert narcissist has enormous emotional control over you and has positioned themselves at the center of everything you do, even though you are rarely at the center of what they do.

This emotional mistreatment can be devastating. It can also take a toll on your mental and physical health. For those in need, my new book, How To Out Smart A Narcissist, may offer some help.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.