The Conflict Avoidant: Two Distinct Types

The desire to avoid conflict in a relationship is common, but for very different reasons. First, involvement with a partner who is unable to perspective-take makes it nearly impossible to work out difficulties constructively. Simple disagreements often escalate into epic battles. Understandably, a person may wish to avoid these nightmare fights by side-stepping the power struggles. Second, a partner who is egocentric may wish to dodge a person’s disapproval; he or she hides selfish acts and avoids conversations focused on issues in the relationship. When exposed, he or she may claim, "I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to stress you out.” The partner is conflict-avoidant because he or she wishes to escape disapproval or opposition. This type of evasion may be destructive.

Many people find themselves saddled with a partner who cannot perspective-take. A partner who refuses to see a loved one's point of view often digs in and continues to repeat and promote his or her own view. Tensions may rise because the partner dismisses and ignores a person’s opinions and feelings if they differ. A power struggle may ensue and often the dogmatic partner frequently resorts to unscrupulous means to “win.” The person on the opposite end tends to feel disrespected and demeaned. He or she is usually left with two choices; to surrender or counter in an equally ugly manner.

In this scenario, it may be wise for the party who is “beaten up” during a conflict, to accept that the partner may be robustly defensive and thus lack the ability to sincerely contemplate an alternate viewpoint in the heat of the moment. This deficit may be fairly static so a person may need to avoid the constant ordeals. Instead, he or she may try reflecting on his or her absolute non-negotiables in the relationship. These are the needs a person will not bend on. Establishing firm and overtly clear boundaries before an incident occurs may help a person gauge whether a partner is able to be respectful. A partner who routinely crosses these boundaries may not be emotionally safe.

For example, Sam truly believes he is always right. When his partner, Ron, offers an alternate opinion or shares a feeling that Sam does not appreciate, things escalate. Ron realizes and accepts that Sam may be unable to perspective-take. Ron decides to identify three deal breakers to clarify his most important needs in the relationship. Ron calmly explains to Sam that he has three boundaries. First, purchases on their shared credit card exceeding $500 must be discussed. Second, Sam’s mother cannot come over without an invitation. Third, Ron needs Sam to respond to an urgent text, even if it is simply, “In a meeting. I’ll call soon.”

If Sam disrespects Ron’s boundaries intentionally, Ron may need to reflect on Sam’s ability to be respectful and considerate in the relationship. Sharing a life with a partner who is self-serving and hurtful may not be worth it.

The second category of conflict avoidance involves a fairly egocentric partner. The partner who is dodging conflicts may be doing so to avoid a discussion about his or her behavior in the relationship. It is a way for this person to escape accountability and move forward with a self-serving act that may hurt a partner. Often, this type of partner may excuse his or her lack of transparency by stating, “I didn’t want to stress you out, so I didn’t tell you.”

For example, Suzie and Tim want to purchase their first home. They agree to rein in their spending to save for a down payment. Tim successfully eliminates extra expenses for several months. Yet Suzie does the opposite. Without telling Tim, she goes out to expensive lunches and dinners with her friends, makes several large purchases, and loses a healthy chunk of money at the casino.

When Tim discovers the details of Suzie’s spending, he is devastated. He confronts Suzie and she defends herself, “I did not want to fight. You were already dealing with a lot of work stress.” Essentially, Suzie omits discussing her self-serving activity to free herself of responsibility. This type of conflict avoidance is dysfunctional because it is utilized to evade accountability in the relationship.

The need to avoid a conflict with a partner who is unable to consider an opposing point of view may be a smart option. Circumventing power struggles by calmly and assertively identifying three or four critical boundaries helps a person determine the partner’s ability to be respectful. Alternatively, a partner who shirks disclosing selfish or hurtful behaviors to avoid a fight may be evading accountability. Understanding each conflict avoidant style may inform a person about the emotional safety of the relationship.