How a Narcissist Manipulates the Love Language Concept

Acts of service, words of affirmation, giving and receiving gifts, physical touch, and spending quality time are five types of endearment identified by Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages. Often a person prefers one mode of affection over another. For example, words of affirmation may be more meaningful to a partner than receiving a gift. A person who recognizes a partner’s preferred love language may be able to enhance the relationship. Although this concept is helpful, it can be easily manipulated by a narcissist.

A narcissistic partner may misuse this theory because he or she lacks essential relational capacities. For example, say the love languages are like beautiful ironwork on a bridge connecting two people. In order to be seen and admired, the bridge must be structurally sound to support the connection as well as the decorative rails. If the bridge is not stable, the ironwork may be irrelevant. Although the love language theory is meant to enhance a romantic bond, a relationship without a healthy foundation may be unable to support the beautiful adornments.

Empathy and accountability

Empathy and accountability are the nuts and bolts of a relationship. A person who possesses these capacities is usually able to sustain closeness in a relationship. An empathic partner cares about a person’s feelings and usually listens in order to understand. A partner who grasps a person’s experience and perspective often prevents the person from feeling alone in his or her plight. The person also feels connected to the partner who “gets it.” A partner who continually fails to acknowledge a person’s emotional experience in the relationship may lack empathy.

A partner’s deficit in empathy may be apparent when a person shares a feeling with the partner that the partner does not care to hear. Often, the partner is ultra-defensive and counters with an unfair attack. The person is punished for expressing a feeling the partner does not like and is unjustly accused of something unrelated to the conflict at hand.

For example, Jim’s mom, Ann, arrives for dinner. Pete, Jim’s partner, prepares Ann’s favorite meal from scratch. During dinner, Ann complains about the wine and does not help clean up. As Ann is leaving, she thanks Jim, but does not acknowledge Pete’s efforts. Later that evening, Pete mentions it to Jim. He asks Jim why he didn’t say something to his mom. Jim is quiet for a moment then says, “Gosh, I can see how that would hurt your feelings. I should have said something. I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll speak up.”

Alternatively, Jim responds defensively, “What are you talking about? She said thank you! What is the big deal? You didn’t invite her to your birthday party. Maybe she thinks your rude.” This response shows Jim’s inability to consider Pete’s feelings. Instead, he is annoyed and tries to shift the blame.

The first part of this scenario also exemplifies accountability. Jim takes responsibility for a mistake in the relationship without justifications and rationalizations. He fully owns his insensitive moment and feels bad for slighting Pete. He also communicates a desire to avoid the error in the future. His ability to take responsibility for himself preserves the trust in the relationship.

Using love languages to exploit someone

A partner who functions in a relationship without empathy and accountability may not be able to sustain emotional closeness. He or she frequently operates selfishly and manipulates a partner. Instead of using a love language to enhance the relationship, he or she may use a love language for exploitation.

For example, Shelly forgets to attend Tim’s award ceremony. She also makes several large purchases without consulting Tim. When Tim attempts to talk to Shelly, she escalates and tells him he deserves it because he got too drunk at their wedding five years ago. That evening, Shelly wants to be intimate, but Tim is upset. He declines her advances. Shelly reminds him that physical touch is her love language. Tim feels compelled to agree because he wants to be a loving partner.

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Another example involves Paul and Andrea. Paul enjoys working on cars. He also realizes Andrea’s love language is acts of service. One afternoon he changes Andrea’s oil for her. Two weeks later, Paul forgets Andrea’s birthday for the second time. Instead of apologizing, Paul says, “Come on, babe, don’t be mad.” I changed your oil. Who else helps you like that?” Paul uses an act of service to escape accountability and excuse hurtful behavior.

Although the concept of love languages illuminates ways to heighten a relationship, it may be fruitless in the absence of emotional closeness. Without empathy and accountability, the love languages may be irrelevant. In addition, a selfish and manipulative partner may abuse the love language paradigm to camouflage an inability to be authentically close.