The Middle of the Road Narcissist

Narcissists are often depicted as verbally aggressive, overt, and rude. Yet, another category of narcissists exists. This type is kind and polite. To a person who previously endured narcissistic abuse, this person seems like a breath of fresh air. He or she listens and is supportive when a person discusses situations with others who are hurtful. He or she can also be incredibly thoughtful at times.

However, in the context of the relationship, he or she is defensive and cannot entertain the possibility that he or she is authentically at fault. Playing the victim and immediately countering a person’s feelings, he or she rarely admits fault and also lacks empathy. In addition, he or she subtly and continually disregards boundaries. Although these tendencies seem benign, a person existing in this relationship is often forced to stifle feelings and tolerate emotional mistreatment.

As the relationship unfolds, a person may avoid identifying how she feels because the narcissistic partner seems to radically decompensate when confronted with something he or she does not want to hear. In order to avoid this, the person censors how she feels. Alternatively, the partner isn’t concerned about voicing his or her opinion. An imbalance in the relationship occurs because one person stifles his or her feelings to avoid a partner unraveling, and the other has no filter and feels free to say mean things.

In between these encounters, however, the partner does extremely thoughtful and kind things. These considerate gestures often endear him or her to the person who then feels guilty for feeling angry at the partner. The kind acts also eradicate a person’s suspicion that the partner is narcissistic.

For example, Matt is upset because he ran into Lisa’s ex-boyfriend at the mall. The ex-partner told Matt that he and Lisa had been going to dinner every Friday for the past month. Six weeks prior, Matt asked Lisa to be his partner on a bowling team that played on Friday nights. She declined, citing her disdain for bowling.

After speaking with Lisa’s ex, Matt is broken. Devastated but wishing to be reasonable, he decides Lisa probably has an explanation. He approaches Lisa about the incident, and she breaks down and sobs.

She grows hysterical and laments, “I am just a terrible person. I was just trying to help him. He is depressed. I was only trying to help!” She continues to cry and scream and runs from the room. Lisa locks herself in the bathroom for two additional hours.

Matt feels horrible for upsetting her to that extent and decides to “sweep the incident under the rug.” He plans to avoid upsetting Lisa like that again.

In this example, Lisa is caught omitting the truth and deceiving her partner, yet because of her victim-like response, she evades accountability and manipulates Matt into feeling like the guilty party. In addition, Lisa sets a precedent: “Don’t try and address an issue with me. I’ll decompensate.”

A week later, Lisa surprises Matt with a new hiking backpack. He is so surprised and delighted that he drops his suspicions about Lisa’s trustworthiness. He takes the blame for the previous incident by labeling himself jealous and concludes Lisa is a kind and thoughtful partner.

A middle-of-the-road narcissist also subtly violates a person’s boundaries. This occurs when he or she intentionally and repeatedly disrespects a person’s wishes and then acts indignant when confronted.

For example, Ben talks to Jake about an issue he has with a mutual friend. He wants Jake’s help thinking through a resolution, but also asks Jake to maintain his confidence. Jake wholeheartedly agrees and listens supportively while Ben talks through his feelings.

Two days later, the mutual friend approaches Ben and states, “I heard you’ve been talking about me behind my back.” Ben is stunned. He asks Jake about it and Jake escalates, “I was only trying to help! Next time find someone else to listen to your drama!” Now, Ben feels like he has to apologize to both Jake and the mutual friend, despite doing nothing wrong.

A middle-of-the-road narcissist is usually a kind and thoughtful person, yet, in the context of a close relationship, he or she lacks empathy and accountability and also exploits a person’s trust. This type of narcissist may be equally as unsafe as an angry narcissist because he or she manipulates a person.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Early Narcissistic Red Flags in Children

A New Way to Think About Narcissism

Successfully turning a person against herself dismantles that person’s sense of self and impacts her mental health. Creating emotional space in the relationship by calmly and strategically resurrecting boundaries may help illuminate the insidious dynamic.