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Emotional Intelligence
3 Signs That a New Partner Lacks Emotional Intelligence
Looking past charm and carefully considering compliments.
Posted March 28, 2022 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Most people are well behaved in the beginning of a relationship.
- Three signs may signify a partner may be less emotionally available than he or she seems.
- Empathy and support are very different especially in the context of interpersonal conflict.
- Often a partner who seems caring may actually be vying for control.
A new partner is often on “best behavior” at the beginning of a relationship, so distinguishing between a “charmer” and a partner who is emotionally intelligent may help a person avoid heartache. Evaluating three interactions may help a person discern the emotional maturity of a partner before investing in the relationship.
Empathy, emotional attunement to others (social awareness), and self-awareness are several bedrocks of emotional intelligence. They help a person sustain emotional closeness in an interpersonal relationship, as well as productively resolve conflict. Although most people entering a new relationship strive to appear emotionally available, the proof may be embedded in three types of exchanges.
Although they seem similar, a critical difference exists between empathy and support, care and control, and meaningful validation and physical flattery.
Empathy vs. Support
Often a partner seems supportive because he or she aligns with the person against someone who did that person wrong. Naturally, the person welcomes the partner’s backing because having someone on his or her side feels comforting. Yet a partner who does not offer the same support when he or she is involved in the conflict may lack empathy and self-awareness.
For example, Ron is hurt that his friend did not show up to his birthday gathering. His partner, Lisa, offers a ton of support and labels the friend “toxic.” Three weeks later, Lisa forgets to collect Ron after his outpatient surgery. Instead of apologizing, Lisa shifts the blame and attacks Ron for scheduling the surgery during her busy season despite her agreement to pick him up. Defensive, she neglects to comfort Ron.
In the first scenario, Lisa is supportive and easily points the finger elsewhere. Yet when the conflict involves her, she fails to provide empathy or support.
An emotionally intelligent partner, however, offers empathy in both instances. For example, Lisa may say to Ron, “You are so hurt Allen forgot the wedding. You have every right to be. I am so sorry.” Also, following her own mistake, she exhibits self-awareness and empathy, “I majorly messed up. I got distracted at work and lost track of time. I am so sorry. You must’ve been so upset when nobody was there to pick you up. I feel awful. I promise to never ever do that again.” In this illustration, Lisa’s empathy is present even when she is in the “hot seat.”
Care vs. Control
Frequently, a new partner seems extraordinarily caring. He or she dotes on a person and appears genuinely concerned about the person’s well-being. However, if this care and concern are more about acquiring control, the partner may be a problem.
For instance, Chris worries about Helen traveling alone. He asks her to contact him when she gets to her hotel room. The second night, Helen texts Chris and explains that she is not returning to her suite until late because she is having drinks with colleagues. Chris escalates and demands that Helen return to her room immediately and contact him. Helen reassures Chris that there is no need for alarm and that she is safe with her team from work. Chris continues to pester her and eventually calls the hotel bar and demands to know who is accompanying Helen. In this situation, Chris pretends to care but is more invested in controlling Helen.
Meaningful Compliments vs. Physical Flattery
Typically, a new partner is very complimentary and routinely flatters a person. This not only conveys his or her attraction to the person but also how pleased the partner is with the person. Interestingly, the manner in which the partner flatters a person may communicate something important about the partner’s true intentions. Complements which solely focus on a person’s appearance may be superficial.
Alternatively, a partner’s adulations which capture the person’s essence may be more meaningful. For example, “I love how thoughtful you are. You have an amazing heart,” as opposed to, “You look hot.” A partner who balances his or her physical compliments with validation about who the partner is at his or her core may be a partner who desires a deep connection. The partner who only compliments a person on his or her outer appearance frequently objectifies a person. This type of partner may want a surface connection instead of a close bond.
Falling in love is a complicated mixture of excitement, chemistry, and hope. Occasionally, a person may view a new partner through rose-colored glasses instead of seeing him or her realistically. Considering a new partner’s responses in three dimensions—empathy vs. support, care vs. concern, and meaningful complements vs. physical flattery—may help a person evaluate substance.
Facebook image: New Africa/Shutterstock
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