Talking to Kids About Online Porn

Online porn is a difficult subject.

Parents don’t want to believe that their kids are watching porn. But if they are computer literate, and over the age of about 6, they are probably watching porn.

I’ve had patients, age 7, who admitted that they had gone to a porn site and watched “sex.” This was accompanied by giggling and embarrassment. But behind the giggling was confusion over what sex is and why people are watching this stuff.

Older kids, from ages 10 through adolescence, may understand more about the meaning of the word sex and why people watch porn; but don’t assume that they have accurate ideas about either one of these.

Al Vernaccio, a teacher at Philadelphia’s Friends Central School, teaches sexual literacy starting in elementary school. He talks about puberty to fourth and fifth graders, continues with middle-school discussions about romantic crushes, and in high school he talks about the question: What is sex?

As I mentioned, he finds that kids are often confused. His students submit written questions anonymously at the beginning of every class. He answers these questions and then continues his class by talking about a range of topics: the meaning of sex, the meaning of consent, the misinformation gained from watching pornography, et cetera.

Is this novel? Does this happen at your child’s school? Would you want it to?

Says Vernaccio, parents of his students are asking kids if they can read what he assigns for homework. The parents are hungry for information about how to talk to their children, as well as how to have relevant conversations about an online world in which everything is accessible.

Vernaccio was raised Roman Catholic, and attended parochial school and St. Joseph’s University, obtaining a degree in theology. His career in teaching sexual literacy is not entirely strange. When Vernaccio was 19 he told his parents that he was gay and, unable to talk about it themselves, they told him to talk to their priest. He was quoted in Philadelphia Magazine several years back as saying that his parents missed out on a huge portion of his life because they didn’t know how to talk with him about his sexual identity. This is one reason that Vernaccio teaches sex education today, he wants to help other kids and parents talk—this was something he and his parents were unable to do.

This man is on a mission to help kids learn about the multiple meanings of the word “sex,” to learn about the use and misuse of power in sexual relationships, and understand basic things about themselves as sexual beings. When defining the word “sex,” he uses the analogy of pizza (and his classroom is filled with pizza posters and bumper stickers about pizza). He says that sex is more than one act; instead, it’s like choosing toppings for your pizza. There are lots of options and each person participating should have a say in which options are chosen.

Ultimately, Vernacchio’s approach to sex education is simple: If we can talk about sex, we can make smart choices about sex.

Yet it feels revolutionary in a society that has largely failed to initiate the conversation.

Whether you think your child has watched pornography online, if you think they might soon, or you’re still convinced they haven’t—it is time to start that conversation. Start by talking about what’s available for kids and adults to watch online, and how confusing it may be for them. Discuss how online sex can be very different from real-life sex (you might use the parallel example of an action movie car chase versus a real-life car chase). Encourage them to ask you questions about sex, relationships, romance, identity, and consent and what these things mean. Find some trusted online sources of information for them. Last but not least, discuss how to think critically about pornography and the emotions that it can bring up.