The Unexpected Consequence of Unhappiness

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There is not a medication in the world that can fix a miserable life. But that does not stop us from trying. Why would we turn toward the medical treatment of something so basic as unhappiness? Simply because unhappiness is not obvious.

Most people typically contact a mental health professional when they have a specific problem they want to overcome. In my work, I help people with chronic pain. During our initial meeting, what people don’t mention when describing their main problem is their unhappiness, as if their unhappiness was unrelated to their presenting problem and not worth mentioning. Yet unhappiness has a great deal to do with how the mind and body function, and how mental health and physical problems develop.

The Science of Happiness

In recent years, a great deal of work has gone into the science of happiness, one of the core concepts of positive psychology. Emotional wellness is enhanced as we develop skills of creating positive emotion, engage our strengths as we work and relate to others, build satisfying relationships, live a life of meaning and purpose, and accomplish important goals.

Positive psychology has helped shift the focus of mental health treatment away from simply trying to reduce negative symptoms such as anxiety and depression to asking the question, “What does it mean to be healthy?”

I see the importance of this shift in thinking every day in my work in chronic pain rehabilitation. Simply getting a person to be “pain free” does not mean they suddenly know what to do with their life, or that their life is now good because they have less pain.

This is where most people get stuck when they are taking medication to treat their symptoms. Yes, for some people medication reduces discomfort, but a reduction in symptoms may not lead to a life that is thriving, especially if you don’t know what direction to head with your life.

The basic axiom of rehabilitation work goes like this: The more we move toward health, the further we move away from dysfunction. Put another way, as we become healthy, the less we are going to struggle with the emotional and physical symptoms that hold us back.

Hidden Unhappiness

There are two barriers to recognizing our unhappiness. The first has to do with reality—we don’t like it! Are you ready to face that your marriage is miserable and has been for years? Or maybe you are middle-aged and have been chronically spending more than you earn and have nothing saved for retirement. Ouch! Reality hurts. Of course, not everyone has marriage or money problems, but if statistics are correct, many people do.

The second most common problem with recognizing unhappiness has to do with not knowing what is missing from our lives. This is where basic emotional intelligence becomes so important. We need to know what we feel, why we feel, and what to do with that information. If we don’t, then the best we can do is cover up our misery with medication, drugs, alcohol, and anything else that takes the edge off.

The Function of Emotions

Think of your emotional system as something similar to taste buds. Your taste buds have a very specific function, to let you know what is beneficial to your overall growth and development and what is not.

For example, if you bite into a tasty piece of fresh lettuce from the farmer’s market, you will taste food that has a satisfying flavor. But you might also taste some dirt and probably spit the whole thing out. Both pieces of information from your taste buds are important.

Emotions provide you with the same type of information—they let you know what helps you grow and what does not. When you experience a deep level of trust in a friendship, you feel good because you are safe. When the person you trusted betrays you, you feel bad because you could be harmed.

Our emotions are neither good nor bad, and they are not dangerous. Emotions simply provide us with information we need to know.

Knowing What You Need

We have five basic needs, needs that when met help us to become mature. We are mature when we build good relationships with others, face the problems of reality, and help others get their needs met. As we do these things, we experience life as good.

Your basic needs are the following: safety, belonging, competence, autonomy, and joy.

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The Next Step

To discover the sources of unhappiness in your life, look for the gap between what you need and what you have. The gap between what you want and what you have stirs up negative emotions, just like dirt triggers a foul taste in your mouth.

If you struggle with your need for safety because you do not have people you can trust, people who trust you, or even basic physical safety, you are going to be distressed. Listen to that feeling. It is telling you something important.

You need good relationships where you are known, accepted, loved, and valued. If you don’t, your need for belonging is not being met and you could feel miserable.

Are you making a difference in the world, solving problems, and making things better? Are you using your abilities, strengths, and talents to do something meaningful? If so, you will feel worthwhile because your need for competence is being addressed.

Autonomy is about self-control and having a voice. We need to be able to direct our lives without the undue influence of others, our past, our circumstances, or our unhelpful mind. With autonomy, we have the freedom to do what we know is best and good.

Joy shows up as we discover new things, spend time with friends, master new skills, and spend time enjoying beauty and nature. Joy helps us to recover from stress and reminds us of what is truly important in life.

Keep in mind that not all needs are equally important to us. We will abandon our needs for safety, competence, autonomy, and joy for the slim chance to belong. Countless people put up with abusive, destructive, controlling, demeaning relationships just so they do not face the pain of loneliness. This reality speaks to the powerful desire we have to be known and accepted by others and to know others deeply.

If you are miserable and know it, you are already one step ahead! Pay attention to what you feel. Your emotions are giving you important information. Listen to them, name them, and trace what you feel back to the gap you have between what you want and what you have. Then face your struggles, challenges, and problems with a commitment to build strong relationships and make things better. Will it be easy? Probably not. But take comfort in the advice of Groucho Marx: "I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."