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You are having a wonderful time. All is going well as you discuss a mildly irritating issue with your partner. Then suddenly you find yourself really angry: Your voice intensifies and you act like an angry jerk. Your partner is just as surprised as you are by this unexpected outburst---and for such a trivial issue. What just happened?
Below you will find five life events/experiences described in my book Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship, all of which have one thing in common: Each of them alone and/or in combination lower your resilience—your ability to be flexible and roll with the punches. When one or more is present, your ability to inhibit your emotions is compromised. It's harder to put the brakes on and your anger is intensified well beyond what is called for and proportional to the situation. Look over each of the "Five Ss" to see if one or more often applies to you. When one or more obtains, avoid provocative subjects or any discussion that has a potential for conflict until you feel more resilient once again.
Sleep. Getting sufficient sleep restores our ability to think clearly and respond calmly. Sleep deprivation tends to make people more irritable and less resilient. Recent research indicates that the average adult needs just over eight hours of sleep, while teens and kids need much more. Lack of exercise, an inconsistent sleep schedule, unresolved stress, certain medications, overuse of alcohol, medical problems like sleep apnea, and poor sleep habits are among the factors that can interfere with a good night's sleep.
Stress. The pioneering work of Hans Selye introduced the term stress to describe the body's physical reaction—the "fight-or-flight" response—as it adapts to change and stimuli like noise and crowding. At high stress levels you are likely to be more irritable and less resilient. Too many tasks, unrealistic deadlines, any significant life change (including "good" events like vacations and moving to a new home), uncertainty, worry, and a low sense of control increase stress, pushing you closer to the danger zone when an unforeseen trigger occurs.
Substances. Alcohol, caffeine, and other substances can dramatically intensify our emotions. Contrary to popular wisdom, alcohol doesn't reliably make you feel happy and relaxed. If you're already somewhat irritated, sad, or anxious, alcohol will likely intensify your feelings because it depresses centers in your brain that ordinarily permit you to control (inhibit) your emotions. Caffeine increases your tension level and can escalate irritation and stress. Some drugs purchased over the counter (cold remedies, for example) can also boost tension, so it is important to check for side effects. Many illegal drugs either reduce your ability to think clearly, boost your emotions, or are specifically linked to aggression.
Sustenance. Adequate and proper nutrition is necessary to maintain resilience and lower emotional intensity. When you skip meals like breakfast or lunch, your blood sugar level plummets, increasing your level of irritability and fatigue and reducing your ability to think clearly. Many nutritionists believe that too much sugar or junk food may increase the likelihood of mood swings that can affect your ability to cope consistently with the next trigger that arises. Eating well-balanced meals and ensuring you are getting necessary vitamins and minerals boosts your resilience so you can cope with whatever comes along.
Sickness. When we are ill or coping with pain, our resilience is reduced. Having a headache, stomach upset, or the aches and pains of a bad cold or flu focuses our inner resources on getting well, leaving little extra energy to cope with aggravating events. Some of us have chronic painful or debilitating conditions (e.g., low back pain, migraine headaches) that may tax our coping resources and distract us from being able to focus fully on important aspects of a triggering situation. Pain and discomfort can increase our arousal, create irritability, and generally reduce our ability to think clearly.
