What Makes Some Conversations So Great

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One of the most remarkable and least appreciated things about human social interaction is the speed and fluidity with which a conversation between two individuals transpires.

This was memorably impressed upon me back in the late 1970s when I was collecting data for my doctoral dissertation. I was doing a laboratory study of nonverbal communication, and I had a team of undergraduate research assistants recording various behaviors from behind a one-way mirror as they observed an interaction between two experimental participants. Each research assistant was responsible for recording the frequency and duration of a specific behavior by pressing a telegraph key whenever the individual they were observing engaged in that behavior. For example, if my assistant was recording the amount of smiling that Person A in the conversation was exhibiting, the assistant would press the key whenever a smile appeared and release the key when the smile disappeared.

One of my assistants was responsible for recording the number of times each person spoke by pressing a key when Person A would speak, and pressing a different key when Person B spoke. I quickly ran into problems with this, as my assistants seemed to be unable to manage this competently. In frustration, I stepped in and basically said “Stand back, and let me show you how this is done.”

I failed miserably.

Until that moment, I had never realized how quickly a conversation bounces back and forth and how impossible it is for our manual reaction time to keep up with it.

Yes, sometimes we have awkward conversations with others where we occasionally talk over each other, but most of the time our conversations move along quite swimmingly, especially if we know the person we are talking to well.

So, how do we do it? There are some general guidelines that most of us follow when we talk with others, such as spending more time looking at our partner when we are listening than when we are speaking. However, researchers who study communication have also uncovered an intricate web of more specific signals that fine-tune the general rules and enable us to effortlessly switch back-and-forth between the speaker and listener roles during conversation.

How Do We Signal To Our Partner That We Want to Start Talking?

We have all had the experience of speaking with someone who has made a point that we wish to respond to, and we somehow must communicate our intention to take the floor and have our turn to speak.

Watch other people as they have a conversation. There are telltale signs that a listener is becoming impatient. The individual may start fidgeting around, preening their hair, or tugging at their clothing. They may start nodding their head rapidly as if to say “OK, OK, OK,” and they may even grunt or make fake sounds of agreement to get the speaker to shut up.

Eventually, the listener may become more direct, making exaggerated inhalations as if taking a deep breath, and may raise an index finger or even a hand as if they were a student in school trying to get a teacher’s attention. If all else fails, the person may simply begin talking before the other person has finished.

How Do I Maintain the Floor and Refuse to Let the Other Person Speak?

Now, put yourself in the position of the speaker who has become aware that his or her partner is eager to switch the conversation over. If you are not yet ready to yield your turn as speaker, there are several strategies at your disposal. By averting your gaze, you can pretend that you do not see your partner’s signals and perhaps hold the floor without appearing rude. You might also suddenly increase the loudness of your voice, signaling your intention to speak for a while longer.

A strategy that I employ in my classroom when I see that a student has a question, but wish to finish my point before calling on them, is to make eye contact and make a stop/hold gesture with my hand. This communicates that I have seen their request to speak and that I intend to honor it, but that I wish to talk just a bit longer. You can also do this in a subtle way during ordinary conversation.

Whatever strategy you choose to maintain the role of speaker, make sure that you keep gesturing and that you do not leave any unfilled pauses in your speech, as the other person is certain to take advantage of any such opening.

How Do I Signal That I Am Ready to Yield the Floor to My Partner?

If you have had your say and want to signal to your partner that it is now their turn to speak, you will probably decrease the loudness of your voice and start gazing directly into the person’s eyes. Stop gesturing, and slow the tempo of your speech so that the last syllable of the last word stretches out a bit longer than it normally would. After this, a clear pause serves as an invitation for the listener to jump in.

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How Do I Signal That I have Nothing to Say and Do Not Wish to Speak?

This can be the most awkward signal to send. If your partner appears to be turning the conversation over to you, but you are not interested in speaking, it is OK to just come out and say so. Also, staying relaxed, maintaining silence, and avoiding eye contact will signal that you are comfortable allowing the other person to continue speaking.

When the tactics we employ mesh smoothly with the tactics used by our partner, we walk away from the encounter feeling good, knowing that we made a connection. We often use words like "rapport" or "chemistry" to describe the experience, and it remains one of the biggest rewards for engaging in live, in-person interactions. Consequently, our ability to read and synchronize with the conversational styles of others is an important social skill.

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