All the Lonely People, Where Do They All Come From?

When the Beatles sang, “All the lonely people. Where do they all come from?” in 1966, the group asked an important question. Loneliness is far too common and it's linked to dementia, recurrent stroke, obesity and dying young. When you’re lonely, you tend to think that you’re the only one and it’s entirely your fault. Actually, loneliness has a great deal to do with our social arrangements. Families are less likely to cluster and people are wrapped up in busy-ness. In one large survey of Americans age 60 and up, more than 40 percent said they felt lonely, even though most of them didn’t live alone.

In that study, lonely elders had nearly a 60 percent greater risk of losing the ability to function on their own. In other research, loneliness is a greater threat to your life than obesity, about as deadly as smoking.

Those statistics make more sense if you realize that chronic loneliness raises your body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone, and can raise blood pressure. Dealing with loneliness day to day becomes a physical burden.

Depression and loneliness are not the same. A depressed person might have little interest in communicating or spending time with other people. A lonely person may withdraw, but perk up when she gets attention. Lonely people may feel better sitting in a coffee shop, while a depressed person might not.

So it seems obvious—if you feel isolated, go out! If you’re lonely, talk to someone! But that's not obvious as soon as you begin to blame yourself. You doubt your social skills, and may read rejection everywhere. You may become irritable and drive people away, or focus on slights. You may drink too much alcohol, binge-eat, overspend, or cling too hard to other people. You may cling to relationships that aren't good for you.

My fellow PT blogger psychiatrist Robert L. Leary offers excellent tips on dealing with your own loneliness. The key is to take action and challenge self-blame, thoughts like "I must be a loser or I wouldn't be alone." Your loneliness is a sign that you're sociable and need more social stimulation and attention, or you may just need to occupy yourself. Boredom and isolation are lonely-making. So is online dating. Give yourself a break when it gets too rough.

What can you do to help a lonely elder? Families might look for ways to share living space while preserving privacy. I know of one family that custom-built a compound in California, with separate apartments. But they eat dinner together. Setting ground rules can help a great deal, especially if you can afford separate bathrooms and sometimes entrances and kitchens. Remodel a basement or put in a comfortable living area above a garage. It might work for an adult grandchild to live with a grandparent rather than roommates.

But there are simpler solutions. Let's say your Mom is lonely.

1. Does she need help finding transportation? It's essential to cut back on driving when you're no longer physically up to it. But she may not take the next step finding alternatives. Encourage her to find rides, or use public transportation, including taxis. You might set up an account with a call in taxi service and pay the bills, encouraging your parent not to count pennies. Or find a local driver your parent likes and set up regular pick-ups for scheduled activities.

2. Is she set up to check Facebook and other social media sites or make free video calls (good earphones are important).

3. Speaking of earphones, does she have adequate hearing aids and use them? Hearing aids from audiologists are astonishingly overpriced. Check Costco and online retailers who will accept a audiogram you can get from an audiologist for $100 or so. You don't have to spend thousands.

4. Does she exercise? Help her find a walking group or congenial tai chi or yoga class.

5. Can you recruit people to check in on her, in addition to your efforts? Look into volunteer groups like Elderhelpers and Dorot. One doctor's organization, CareMore, has launched a program of regular phone calls to adults considered to be at risk. Look for more services or referrals down the road from insurers.

Loneliness Essential Reads

The Particular Loneliness of Losing a Spouse

How to Deal With Loneliness When You're Single

A version of this story appears on Your Care Everywhere.