Setting Reasonable Expectations for Young Children

Shutterstock/Ana Sha

Co-authored by Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW

Babies start off wildly dependent and grow very quickly in the first three years of life. Because they change so rapidly, this period comes with its own stages of parent/caregiver development too: The first year and a half of a child’s life is considered the nurturing phase for caregivers—a time to attune to baby’s needs and be responsive (Galinsky, 1987). Next comes the authority stage, aptly named because once toddlers gain enough skills and awareness to assert their will and opinions, they most certainly will, and parenting shifts at this point to include the need for consistent (and near constant) guidance and limit-setting (Galinsky, 1987).

A child's predictable stages of development

A child’s growth from a completely dependent newborn to a walking and talking toddler is fast, but also generally predictable. The “usual” developmental arc includes a series of milestones along the way in several areas that are vital for caregivers to recognize—and support. As a provider, you can help families understand development better and offer supportive resources for these areas:

• Physical: Babies first find their hands, then roll and reach for things. Next, they sit up, scoot, crawl, “cruise,” and then walk. They also learn to point, grasp and carry things, and run around and jump with two feet by the time they are 3. Caregivers can support a baby’s growth in this area by ensuring they get tummy time and scaffolding movements (e.g., placing an inviting item just out of reach to encourage their effort).
• Cognitive: Babies start off with mostly reflexive responses. Next, their eyes are able to focus; they can track movements and recognize familiar faces. They then develop more sophisticated problem-solving skills through experimentation and play. Between the ages of 1 and 3, babies start to gain expressive language skills. They learn simple words and phrases and understand much more than they can say. Babies are supported in their cognitive development when caregivers talk, sing, and read to them from birth.
• Social-Emotional: Babies grow social and emotional skills from the foundation of a secure attachment with a responsive caregiver (or caregivers). As they grow, they model their social and emotional well-being after those caregivers. As toddlers, they begin to show a sense of humor and an understanding of social cues. Caregivers can support babies’ social-emotional skill-building by attaining emotional intelligence (EQ) themselves and practicing responsive, positive parenting.

Bridging "the expectation gap"

Caregivers tend to receive much more information and advice on developmental expectations in the physical realm. Everyone knows whose toddler is walking, whose baby is sitting, etc. Both cognitive and social-emotional development are less obvious and may require more discussion to support caregiver understanding. A 2016 parent survey conducted by ZERO TO THREE revealed a significant “expectation gap” among parents of young children. An inadequate understanding of child development can lead to unreasonable expectations that children are not able to meet, increasing caregiver frustration and negatively impacting behavior.

The tough reality is that it takes quite a bit of time to develop the many skills that children need to be well-adjusted and successful adults—communication, emotional literacy, cooperation, and self-regulation, to name a few. This “What’s Up” series of developmental newsletters (in Spanish, too) can help caregivers know what to expect as their child develops.

The Sparks videos from the Mount Sinai Parenting Center are another great resource. The videos explain child growth and behavior at every age along the well-child visit schedule so caregivers know what to expect in all areas of development. They also provide ideas for scaffolding play for babies and toddlers, tips for promoting learning and healthy habits, and important safety reminders.

When caregivers understand early childhood development stages across physical, cognitive, and social-emotional areas, opportunities for unrealistic expectations and disappointment are minimized.