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Key points
- BPD affects the sexual functioning of many of those who suffer.
- BPD may affect female sufferers differently than males.
- Utilization of sexuality for empowerment can compromise healthy sexual intimacy.
Symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) often cause sufferers sexual difficulties. Part 1 discussed how the difficulties typically affect males with symptoms of BPD. This post will describe the typical effects that BPD symptoms have on female sexuality.
The fear of abandonment that most individuals with BPD experience is associated with feelings of helplessness and dependency. Relying on others to feel well can induce them to experience powerlessness and cause feelings of anxiety and self-loathing.
Sexuality as Empowerment
Many women suffering from symptoms of BPD compensate for their feelings of powerlessness by imbuing sexuality with the power to ward off abandonment and isolation. They can avoid being alone by seducing others and offering them sex in exchange for company.
For most women with symptoms of BPD, this is not a deliberate strategy, but rather an emotionally driven act. Being with other people reassures their fear of abandonment until they sense that the other person is going to leave. This causes individuals with symptoms of BPD to experience fear of being alone. These fearful feelings are intensified by the emotional dysregulation often associated with the disorder. These intense feelings increase the probability of impulsive behavior, which is often expressed as promiscuity.
Laura’s Story
Laura didn’t know why she felt this way, but ever since she was a little girl she hated being alone.
“I loved being on my father’s lap. We would sit at the park and he would tell me stories and we would play funny little games and laugh. I wanted my whole life to feel just like that. But then he would get up. It was time to leave. My heart immediately broke. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me every time.
I did everything I could to hold onto that moment of being safe in his lap. I pleaded. I begged. I cried. When he decided it was time to go, it was all over. I had no say.
As I went through adolescence, these feelings got worse. Whenever I was with someone who I thought liked me, or might like me, I began to get anxious when I thought about them leaving. I went into a panic when they actually walked away.
I eventually found a way that I could stop them from walking away. I let them touch me. As I began to develop an adult body, boys increasingly sought out my company. I found that I could keep them around by giving them what they wanted. I didn’t mind. It was worth it.
As a young woman in my 20s I found that this worked with women as well. I had lots of friends and lots of sex. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round. They would stay with me as long as we had sex all of the time but I always worried that after the sex they would leave.”
Laura’s use of her sexuality as a source of empowerment was successful at avoiding being alone, but she paid a huge price. She had defined her self-worth and attractiveness in terms of sexuality and her willingness and ability to please others. This devalued her intelligence, sense of humor, and companionship. She was afraid to rely on these qualities to keep people from leaving her.
This increased her sense of self-loathing, particularly when others eventually had enough sex and left her alone. The self-loathing was not consistent. When she was successful at seduction she experienced a comforting, but fleeting, sense of well-being and control. This would quickly give way to the merry-go-round, the fear of being left alone.
Sex and Power
The ability to experience physical love with another individual is compromised when sex is used as an instrument of power. Sex is not viewed as a mutual experience. It is seen as barter. Sex is not sought out for shared pleasure, but rather for the purpose of avoiding being alone. This is not a shared emotional experience.
The merry-go-round pattern of feeling the need to consistently please others in order to avoid being alone causes instability of mood and instability in relationships. The sense of self is defined by what others want rather than personal choices, preferences, and perspectives.
In order for individuals like Laura, who suffer from symptoms of BPD, to enjoy optimal sexual intimacy and greater stability, she will have to learn to tolerate being alone. This will probably require professional help as she learns self-soothing as a method of coping with feelings of self-loathing that are caused by her BPD.
“I learned that the feelings of panic that I feel when people leave me are temporary. They come very strong and very quick. The panic makes me want to do anything to make someone be with me. I used to respond by being harsh to myself. I would stop eating to become thinner and more attractive. I would lower my standards and have sex with people I didn’t even like just to not be alone. Now when I feel the panic I learned to be calming to myself. I take a bath, drink green tea and listen to my favorite music. I remind myself that I cannot be good company for others if I am not good company for myself. I gain power from being able to be alone, not from trapping others.”
After much hard work, Laura was able to tolerate, and even at times enjoy, being alone. This allowed her to be more selective in her choice of sexual partners which resulted in her taking company with people who were more respectful of her and appreciative of her company. This also made her feel more stable. Laura found that the hard work was well worth the payoff.
