3 Essential Ways to Optimize Your Grandparent Experience

The honor and opportunity of being a grandparent is one of the greatest joys of life. Not everyone gets to experience this privilege. Following are some tips for optimizing this experience. These suggestions are derived from the experience of many grandparents, some of whom were satisfied and fulfilled by the opportunity, while others were disappointed.

Grandparents can play a vital role in the life of their grandchild.

Source: Moondance/Pixabay

Take responsibility for your relationship with your grandchild.

Many grandparents take a passive approach to their relationship with their grandchildren. They wait for the parents to arrange a get together. Some do this because they don’t want to be intrusive. An active approach to grandparenting is more likely to yield a good result.

Active grandparenting involves creating the relationship you want by entering into your grandchild’s world and positioning yourself in ways that are best for your grandchild, the parents, and yourself. Here are some activities that will help you enter your grandchild’s world in a way that encourages your grandchild to seek you out. You must create a situation where you are a frequent presence in your grandchild’s thoughts, and the child sees you as an asset, support, or desired companion. Here are some activities that will help you achieve this goal:

• Keep track of your grandchild’s activities and desires. Be aware of challenging or joyful experiences in the child’s life and initiate a conversation about these topics, both before and after the events.
• Keep track of the child’s state of well-being. Congratulate the child on milestones or accomplishments and comfort them during difficult times.
• Initiate contact with the child regularly. If you cannot physically visit use telephone, text, emails, video chat, etc. If the child is too young to have direct access to these devices, arrange for the parents to make these devices available to the child when you want to meet with the child. Try to reach out to the child when you know the child might be available. Do not contact them during school hours or when they are asleep.
• Familiarize yourself with the things that your grandchild is interested in. Get to know their music and entertainment preferences. Get to know their friends. Find out their educational goals. If the child is on social media, start an account of your own so that you can communicate on the child’s preferred medium.

Respect the sovereignty of the parents.

Your child will not parent exactly the way you did or would. You can make suggestions to the parents and provide guidance when appropriate. Do not undermine the parenting of your grandchild.

Do not indulge your grandchild in activities that the parents do not approve of. Many grandparents will try to gain favor with their grandchild by indulging them with candy, toys, staying up late, etc., in order to please the child and encourage affection. If you do not obtain the parents’ permission in advance, you are creating a conflict around the child and putting the child in the middle. This is a form of triangulation in that it pits your grandchild, who wants the indulgence and now knows that you are willing to offer it, against your child and spouse, who feel undermined and betrayed.

The result of triangulating your child and grandchild is likely to be that you will see your grandchild less or that your child will want to be present while you are with your grandchild. It also sends a very confusing and potentially harmful message to your grandchild: that it is good to go behind the parent’s back to get what you want if they don’t consent. This could be further generalized to adults or authorities in general and encourage oppositional or defiant behavior.

Do not compete for the child’s attention or affection with other family members.

Competing with other grandparents or aunts and uncles for the child’s time or efforts to become more important to the child than other relatives is another way of triangulating the child. Encouraging the child to choose you over other relatives forces them to reject you or the other relative. This is lose-lose position for the child and is likely to end up with the child avoiding spending time with you as the triangulation becomes uncomfortable for the child.

The relationship between grandparent and grandchild is a very special bond. In many cases, children are just as close or closer to their grandparents than they are to their parents. Grandparents often play a vital role in the child’s life. This influence transcends the lifespan of the grandparent as a healthy bond between grandparent and grandchild remains a comfort and a model to the child throughout their life.

The suggestions in this blog should be seen as a starting point for crafting a relationship with your grandchild that is optimal for both of you as well as the child’s parents. Each family is different and you must adjust your approach to your own family situation and culture. Your efforts will be extremely beneficial to you and your legacy.